


A Drug Called Love

by orphan_account



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Addiction, But they figure it out, Comedian!Janis, Coming Out, F/F, Mrs. Heron becomes a sort of mother figure, Other Additional Tags to Be Possibly Added, Semi-Toxic Relationship, Sobriety, Some Humor, Some angst, some internalized homophobia, teacher!Regina
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 25,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28437276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The addictive behavior that comes with addiction never really goes away, it just makes you crave something else.(or the Feel Good AU no one wanted)
Relationships: Regina George/Janis Sarkisian
Comments: 18
Kudos: 6





	1. Prologue/Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This is gonna be my first real/planned out multi-chapter fic. The posting schedule may be a bit wonky but I promise not to go to long without posting another chapter. However, life is unpredictable and things may happen.
> 
> Please stick with me, I know it may seem a bit fast but trust me, it'll all come around.
> 
> Preface: Alright, so there's gonna be some triggering topics talked about. Such as- unhealthy copy mechanisms, drugs, addictive behavior, recovery, etc. I will put a tw for each chapter but be warned and please don't read if these will trigger you.

Janis clenched and unclenched her fists, trying to slow her breathing in any way possible. She doesn’t know why she’s nervous, she’s done this multiple times, it’s just another show, another chance to make people laugh.

“Damian.”

He hums in question and looks at her, raising an eyebrow.

Janis points into the crowd subtly, making sure she’s not seen. “That girl is here again.”

Damian’s eyes wander until they land on the woman Janis is pointing to. She’s stunning, long blonde hair up in a loose ponytail, wearing tight jeans a black tee, and a flannel. 

The woman has come to each one of Janis’s shows this week, each time laughing at the perfect moment, making Janis’s heart warm. Though they’ve never actually spoken, Janis always spots her in the crowd. This time she’s sitting in the front row, one of her friends sitting next to her.

She’s jolted by the sound of clapping, making her look to the stage where the man before her, Shane, she thinks his name was, began getting off the stage. Damian pushed past her and onto the stage, smiling. 

“Thank you, Shane Oman! Wasn’t he wonderful folks?”

There’s another round of applause as Damian laughs softly before motioning for them to quiet down. “Alright, this next one’s a regular, and I’d appreciate it if you tipped her on your way out because I really want her off of my couch.”

She rolls her eyes.

“Janis Sarkisian!!”

She takes one last breath and steps up onto the stage, bright lights blind her for a moment before she finds her position. She grabs the mic and sighs.

“Hey, guys. I’m Janis, though I suppose you already know that.”

There’s a small bit of laughter. Off to a decent start.

The set goes well, people laugh, smile. And everyone seems active and alert, enjoying her jokes and stories. That is, except for one girl. The friend of the woman who’s come to every show. She’s on her phone again, focusing at something on it. Janis has found her eyes drifting to her often, feeling slightly bad she isn’t enough to keep the woman’s attention.

She told a joke but it didn’t land well, the only person laughing the blonde woman from before. She smiled slightly, “Thank you, one person, for laughing.” She motions towards her. “Um, can you tell your friend I’m gonna smash her phone if she doesn’t stop texting?”

There’s a roar of laughter and the woman on the phone looks up, clearly annoyed. “I’m not texting.”

“Oh? Then what are you doing?”

“Playing Candy Crush.”

More laughter, Janis grimaces.

The set comes to a close and she gets a decent round of applause. She sets the mic back and walks off the stage into the little hallway, her side facing the curtain that opens into the bar.

Damian smiles at her when it comes through the curtain, “That girl was really laughing.”

“Yeah, I know, too bad her friends a bit of a jerk.”

He shrugs, “You did tell her you’d smash her phone.”

She throws her hands up, “Yeah well she wouldn’t get off it during my set! That’s like… breaking rule number one of the live performance rules!!”

He laughed, “You should talk to her.”

“Talk to her? Me… talk to her? She’s stunning! And I’m like…”

“You’re also stunning.”

She huffs, “I don’t know.”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Humiliation, loneliness, regret depression…”

She’s ready to continue the list when a voice draws her attention, the curtain opening and revealing the woman from before. “Hello?”

Her voice is amazing, a soft British accent that sounds like music to Janis’s ears. She gulps, “Uh, this is backstage.” Why would she say that….

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just wanted to apologize for my friend.”

Janis shakes her head, smiling, “No! No, it’s fine. I’m fine. How- Who are you?”

“I’m Regina.”

“That’s a pretty name.”

Regina smiles and blushes slightly, and Janis nearly chokes on air. Her smile is absolutely perfect, her nose crinkling slightly when she does. 

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“I don’t drink.”

She nods, “Water it is then.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Janis laughs, “Okay, okay. Do you understand the rules of this game?”

Regina smiles, nodding. “Yes, we each ask questions for each other and if we lie or mess up we have to drink.”

“Alright. Um first off, how old are you?”

“29.”

“Uh, when did you lose your virginity?”

She thinks for a moment, “17.”

“Favorite film?”

“The Muppets Movie.”

Janis raises an eyebrow, laughing. “No way! That’s not true.”

“It’s not! I don’t know why I said it.” 

Janis motions for her to drink and she obliged, downing the shot fast. Janis smiles and adjusts her seat. “Alright, your turn.”

“Where are you from?”

“The US. Chicago”

She nods, “How long have you been in England?”

“Uhh, three years now.”

“Are we on a date?”

She sputters, her mouth opening in closing in failed attempts to form words. “Um, do you want to be?”

“I’ve never been on a date with a woman before.”

“So you don’t wanna be?”

“No! I do! I do…”

Before she can say anything else there’s a tap on her shoulder. She turns in her seat, looking up to see Damian with his keys in his hand. “I’m heading home, what are you doing?”

“Oh, well, I think I’m gonna stay here for a bit.”

He nods, “So should I pull out the sofa bed…?”

Her face flushes slightly with embarrassment, “Damian, I’m in the middle of something, just go.”

“Okay okay!” He turns and leaves, waving at her before disappearing out the door. She sighs and turns back to Regina, offering an apologetic smile.

They both sip at their drinks absently, Janis’s leg bouncing up and down under the table. She presses on it, trying to calm herself but nothing works. Finally she breaks the moment, “So what is your favorite film?”

“Do you wanna kiss me, Janis?”

“What?”

“Do you wanna kiss me?”

She nods, “I mean, yeah.”

There’s a beat where Regina looks like she’s waiting, expecting something.

“Oh, you mean now?”

Regina laughs, “Yes, now!”

“Okay.”

She cups the side of Regina’s face and leans in. In a moment their lips push together and there’s a loud ringing in her ears, but she doesn’t mind. Their movements are in sync, as though they’ve done this a million times. Like they are magnets finally giving in to the pull and connecting.

Regina is the one who breaks it, “Let’s go back to my place.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

As soon as they are through the door Janis pushes her against the wall, hands roaming as she pulls off her jacket. Regina yelps and Janis pulls away, turning to see what Regina is looking at. A man in a loose robe stands next to the stairs, holding a bowl with some popcorn in it.

“Oh my- Um... Janis, this is Aaron, he’s my flatmate.”

She gives him a small wave, “Hi, Aaron.”

“Hi.”

An awkward silence surrounds them, everyone looking to another for something to say. Regina sighs, “Janis was just gonna help me rearrange some things in my room.”

He nods, “Alright.” And that’s all he says before disappearing into what appears to be a living room.

Regina immediately grabs Janis’s hands and leads her up the stairs into a lovely bedroom, but Janis has barely any time to admire it before Regina is all over her again, slamming the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, that's the prologue/intro done. Hope you all enjoyed it, I'll try to get the first official chapter out sometime soon.  
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated, let me know what you think, maybe what you want me to change? I'm open to all criticisms.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful day/night/afternoon!


	2. Surprise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret is revealed and a worried Regina tries to get Janis help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here is the first official chapter! I hope you all enjoy it, I had fun writing it.
> 
> tw // addiction mentions

Janis peels back the curtains, keeping the two coffees firm in her hands. It’s a lovely day out, and she sighs as she walks back to the bed, standing at the edge of it.

“Regina.”

Nothing.

“Regina George!”

The girl stirs and opens her eyes, shutting them almost immediately at the influx of light. She groans and wiggles in the bed, waiting a moment before opening her eyes again, peering at Janis.

“What- Why are you there? What’s happening?”

Janis smiles, “I couldn’t stay asleep, I’m too excited! So, I went out for a walk and got us some coffee.”

“You got us coffee?”

“Yes! Oh and also,” she sets down the cups on a small table and grabs the plastic bag she had set down earlier, opening it. “a lottery ticket and some trail mix.”

“Just- stop. Calm down.”

Janis obliges, though her foot is tapping at a constant rate. Maybe it’s the caffeine, maybe it’s the excitement of their first week anniversary of moving in together, who knows. All she knows is she’s excited.

“Come sit next to me and tell me something American.”

She does so, laying right next to Regina, making sure their shoulders are touching before speaking. “The statue of liberty isn’t actually in New York, in fact, it's technically in Jersey City, New Jersey, a gift from the French.”

Regina laughed and Janis felt like she was flying, she loved the feeling of being close to Regina, of hearing her laugh. 

Janis gasped, “I can’t believe I forgot!” She immediately shot off the bed, grabbing a canvas from somewhere off the floor and holding it up. 

Regina sat up and covered her mouth to stop from laughing, the painting was of her, and it wasn’t bad, no, just kind of cheesy, cartoonish. “Ah, I can’t believe I didn’t get you anything!”

“I don’t need anything! It’s a gift in itself that I get to have sex with the Queen of England every day.” They both laughed and Regina wrinkled her nose at the comparison.

“Today, is gonna be really good, yeah? I’m gonna make today really good.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They stood side by side in the bathroom, Regina brushing her teeth as Janis scanned the pictures taped along the mirror. There were quite a few but each picture had the same people in it, give or take a few. Janis recognized one of the girls in the picture as the woman who was on her phone during her show.

“How about we have dinner tonight? Invite some of these people. I’d love to meet your friends.”   
Regina shook her head, spitting into the sink. “No. No, sorry. I have a work meeting tonight. It’s the entire English department.”

Janis frowned, “It’s Saturday.”

“I’m sorry, Jan.”

She nods in understanding before the familiar skype ring goes off, ‘Oh! My parents.” She scoots herself around Regina and lands on the bed, opening up her computer and waving at her mother.

“Hey, mom.”

“Janis.”

When Janis first moved to London her mother refused to talk to her for months, citing that she had betrayed her. It took her father begging to convince her to make weekly video calls and check-ins. Her mother’s attitude was one of the reasons she did move, needing to get away from the control freak.

Don’t get her wrong she loved her parents with her whole heart, but things from the past never really healed between them… She shakes the thoughts from her head, figuring now is not the right time to think about what she can’t change.

The bed shifts and Janis scoots a bit to allow Regina to sit more comfortable, “Hi, Deb!”

“Ah, Regina! Don’t look at me, I’m a mess!” Her mother cried out with dramatic flair, covering her face slightly.

They laughed out of pure awkwardness really, but it was quickly stopped by her mother speaking again. “You two look lovely, how’s the move in?”

“It’s been great!” Janis said, smiling wide.

“A bit of an adjustment really.”

Janis looked over to Regina, raising an eyebrow but it went unnoticed apparently as everyone moved on. “Ah, hello, Janis.”

Her fathers' booming voice sounded as he appeared on the screen, sitting next to her mother. She smiled, “Hi, dad. How are you?”

“Oh, as good as I can be.”

Her mother clasped her hands together, “So when are we going to meet you, Regina? It’s insane we haven’t yet.”

Regina shrugged, “Well you do live in Chicago…”

“Relax, mom, it’s only been 3 months.”

“Still,” her father cut in, “we’d love to meet you soon.”

She smiled and nodded, “We’ll have to plan something.”

“Now, Janis, your father and I want to know if you’ve found a new Narcotics anonymous meeting yet?”

Immediately Regina tensed slightly, Janis peered over at her in time to see a puzzled look cross her face. “A what meeting?”

“One second, Reg…” Janis quickly scooped up the computer and walked out of the room, hearing Regina call once more ‘ _ a what meeting?’  _

She walked into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it before sitting on the toilet. “Mom, you’ve gotta stop bringing up the past.”

Her dad was no longer on the screen, most likely making a quick getaway as he could sense the impending doom coming. Her mom rolled her eyes, “Trust me, I do not want to bring up the past, I just want to know if you’re going to a regular meeting.”

“I’ve been busy! Busy moving in, and I’m not sleeping-” She immediately bit her tongue, shutting her eyes and regretting what she just said.

“You haven’t been sleeping, oh, Janis!”

She shook her head, “It’s not a big deal.”

“You know, it’s because I didn’t breastfeed you. You were a bottle baby.”

“What?”

Her mom sighed, “It’s why we aren’t close.”

“We aren’t close!?”

“I have to go, Janis, find a regular meeting.”

She dropped her head, rubbing her forehead before nodding. “Yeah, alright, bye.” She closed the computer and huffed, looking to the door. 

She stood up and opened it, seeing Regina standing there with an unreadable look on her face. “You’re in Narcotics Anonymous?”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

The conversation had dragged on forever. As they got dressed, in the car ride over, as they walked into the store. Regina prodded Janis with question after question and Janis trying to give as vague answers as possible. She dragged her hand over one of the cabinets they were looking at, “It’s not a big deal, Regina, I have been sober forever.”

“How long is forever? 2 days, 10 years, 6 months?”

“Yes!”

Regina grabbed her shoulders, making Janis face her. “Yes, what? Come on! Why aren’t you talking to me?”

“I am talking to you!” Janis pried herself from her girlfriend's grip, making a beeline for a different cabinet. “How about we get this one?”

Regina looked it up and down. The thing was about the size of both of them if Janis was on Regina’s shoulders. “That thing is huge-” She shook her head. “Stop changing the subject!”

“I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but you are really cute when angry. Well, actually you’re cute all the time like you have one of the best faces ever.”

The blonde’s face flushed slightly, “Thank you, Jan, but you say that every day.”

“Well, it’s true! You look like the pretty kids who bullied me in school,” she paused, “that's a compliment.”

“Janis… Should I be worried?”

“No, not at all.”

Regina didn’t seem to relax at Janis's reassurances and she sighed, smiling awkwardly to try and ease the situation. “Look, there’s a lot of stuff about you that I didn’t know when I moved in. Like how you pour the milk before the cereal and how you don’t like the dark.”

“This is different and you know it.”

She nodded, but turned away going to another dresser, she opened the doors and looked inside, it was bare, no shelves or anything. 

Regina sighed, “I love you, Jan, so can you please go to a meeting so I can relax?”

“If you love then me I’ll go right now.”

“Yeah?” Regina smiled, giving her a quick kiss.

“On one condition, you let me get this dresser.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“Hi, my name is Ron and I’m an addict.”

She hated this. She didn’t even get the dresser, she got some stupid gray storage box that was the size of a shoebox. She bounced her leg, before setting down the box, focusing on what was happening.

“First on the agenda today is Sonja’s birthday. So, Sonja, we wish you a very happy and very sober birthday.”

There were a few scattered happy birthdays and people clapped softly. Janis followed along, trying to stay as unnoticed as possible. “Secondly, we wish a warm welcome to any newcomers.”

That’s when everyone turned to her. They were mainly older people, with gray hair and wrinkled faces. They looked nice enough, but Janis didn’t like being stared at. She smiled and gave a small wave. But when no one said anything she took it as a cue. Quickly she cleared her throat and spoke, “Hi, I’m Janis.”

Once again there was silence, no one speaking. Their faces just looked more expectant.

“Oh, okay, um. Hi, I’m Janis. I’m an addict.”

“Hi, Janis,” rang the chorus of voices.

“Welcome, Janis,” Ron said, smiling kindly at her. She nodded politely in his way. “Okay, would anyone like to share?”

A hand fell onto her knee and Janis looked down, spotting a wrinkled old hand. She looked back up to see an older woman smiling at her, she smiled back but swiftly removed the hand from her knee.

“I’ll go.” The birthday girl, Sonja, said. “First off I’d like to come clean, it’s not actually my birthday. I’m not sure why I said that.”

Janis gaped slightly, who the hell lies about their birthday? Especially in a Narcotics group. She laughed internally at it, maybe it’d make for a good joke in her future sets. Though was she legally allowed to make jokes about people she met here? She’d have to change the names.

Sonja went on to keep talking but Janis couldn’t focus. Her leg was bouncing, she needed something. She needed coffee. She looked around, trying to get a view of the table she saw when coming in. She couldn’t see the full thing and she huffed softly, going to stand up. But she froze when someone called her name.

“Ah! Yes, Janis has something to share.”

She quickly shook her head, repositioning herself in her seat. “Um, no. I don't. Actually, I don’t think I need to be here, Ron.” She stood, “You all seem wonderful, but I have been clean for a very long time!”

People looked at her with sad eyes, she could tell there was sympathy bubbling within them, she didn't like it. She laughed, “I um, see I think the issue is that I wasn’t breastfed. So I’m deprived of love or whatever….” She grabbed the storage box, “Anyway, have a wonderful day.”

Ron sighed deeply, “I’ll tell you what we always tell newcomers, keep coming back. It will work.”

She barely heard the end of his sentence as she was already out the room. She huffed as she tried to open the door, but it didn’t budge. She pushed against it, still nothing.

“Hey, are you alright? I understand how dreadful the meetings can be, they’re so boring.”

An older voice drew her attention, she turned to see a shorter woman standing before her. She was dressed quite eccentric like one would expect a stereotypical crazy British woman to. She raised an eyebrow. “Um, yeah. I’m fine just, trying to get this door open.”

The woman smiled, “That’s the wrong door, love.”

Janis turned to see a different door, she pushed against it and it popped open easily. “Oh, wow.”

“Can I get you a coffee?”

“I love coffee.”

“Wonderful,” she clapped her hands together, “so do I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's that! There's quite a bit of adventure to go so I hope you're all enjoying for now.  
> As always kudos and comments are appreciated! Let me know what you like, what you don't like, and maybe what you wanna see in the future!
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan
> 
> Have a wonderful day/night/afternoon y'all. And I'll be back with the next chapter soon.


	3. Stay Busy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis gets some advice and Regina tries to wrap her head around everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Two! (Though if you wanna get technical it's chapter three) I hope you all enjoy it!  
> There's gonna be some POV switches through this chapter and most likely in future ones but they will be marked so it's clear who's it is.
> 
> tw // drug mentions, fire, drug usage

Janis found herself in a coffee shop she had never been to called Northshore. It was a nice place, simple and sleek in design and smelled absolutely amazing. The woman across from her, Betsy Heron she had learned her name was, told her the place also doubled as a bakery.

“Okay, Janis,” Betsy said, stirring something into her drink. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Alright, what?”

“I want you to take your past, and put it in a box.”

She laughed softly, “Take my past and put it in a box?”

“Yes! Yes. Just close your eyes and do it.”

Slowly Janis complied, shutting her eyes and visualizing a box, shoving her past deep inside of it.

“Have you done it?”

“Yes.”

“Great, now take that box and light it on fire. No more box, no more past.”

Janis did just that and found a strange sense of relief from it, it unnerved her but she moved on, opening her eyes. “Wow.”

“Aha! I’m so glad it worked.” She smiled wide, laughing almost maniacally. “My box is at the bottom of the Hudson River, never to be seen again.”

They both laughed and continued to drink their coffee, sharing small anecdotes with each other and just genuinely having a good time. So, Janis was startled when Betsy slammed her cup down. “Gah, that coffee was awful, I must do something about it.”

She watched as Betsy got up, leaving the table. Before following she stole a glance at the cup, seeing it was completely empty. “What?” She questioned it a moment before following Betsy to a counter where she was talking with a worker.

“Great! Janis, what do you want?”

“Uh..” She scanned the menu quickly, “I’ll just take a lemon bar.”

The worker nodded and went to a small back room, Betsy took this time to turn to Janis. “Do you wanna know how to fix yourself?”

Janis quickly nodded, “It’s a question I’m constantly looking for the answer to.”

“Just always keep yourself busy, I’m always doing something so my mind can never think of drugs.”

“Do you have kids, pets…?”

The older woman shook her head, “No no! I have hobbies. Baking, kayaking, sewing. I do all these things and am always on the search for new ones, that way I’m always bombarded with thoughts that aren’t ‘go pop some pills’.”

Janis could only smile and nod, the advice wasn’t far off, maybe it could even work. But something felt off about Betsy, not anything bad, but just off. Though the older woman was quite nice.

“I assume it’s worked?”

“I’ve been cleaned for 14 years, so yes, I think it’s worked.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She huffed as she flipped the pancake, before sliding it onto a plate. “I just don’t get it! It makes no sense. How can someone as clean and fresh as Janis be an ex-junkie?”

Aaron shrugged as he took another spoonful of his cereal, leaning over the couch. 

“I mean, she dresses sleekly, and by that I mean her clothes always match, not that she has a fashion sense. And she smells like vanilla! It doesn’t add up.”

“It makes sense to me, her legs are always moving, and she has this look in her eye.”

She turned to look at him, scoffing. “No way!” She took a moment to look back on their past few months together, trying to see any clues that she should have caught sooner. “Well, I mean I guess you’re the expert right? You know all about addicts cause you’re from…” She racked her brain but Aaron finished her sentence for her.

“California, I’m from California.”

“Right.”

Regina sighed, “I’ve gotta find a way to make her feel safe. Like she can talk to me about anything…” A lightbulb clicked in her head, “I’ve gotta make this place more American.”

“Yeah! America! I can totally help you out.

She smiled softly, “Thank you, Aaron. You know, I think this is the first proper conversation we’ve really had.”

“Hell yeah! Look at us becoming friends.”

She shrugged, “More like… acquaintances. But I like your enthusiasm.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

“You should pick up knitting.”

Janis raised a brow, “Really? Should I?”

“It’d be good for you, good to get your mind on other things,” Betsy said, eating the cookie she got and drinking what Janis thinks is her fifth coffee. She’s not sure though, she lost count after her own seventh cup. It’s too much, and she knows that. So she stands.

“Thank you so much, but I need to go. I’ll call you though!”

Betsy nodded, “Wonderful!”

“Actually, do you want to be my sponsor? Cause I don’t need the meetings.”

“Yeah, neither do I!”

She smiled, “Great so we could just hang out and do other stuff, it’d be exactly the same.”

“Perfect! Anytime, night or day!”

Janis nodded, smiling a little bit wider. “Alright, bye, Betsy!”

“Bye!” They waved to each other.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Regina stuttered over her words, watching as Janis zoomed around the kitchen. “What do you mean you aren’t going back?”

She shrugged, “I’m just not going back. It was useless.”

“Of course, yeah that makes total sense!” Her words were laced with sarcasm as she crossed her arms across her, an angry look coming onto her face.

“Okay, okay, I see your point. But I got a sponsor!”

Regina’s face perked up slightly, but she still looked angry. “Who is she?”

“This crazy old lady who told me to shove my past in a box and stay busy! She’s…. incredible.”

“So a crazy old woman is going to help you?”

Janis threw her hands in the air, laughing, “I don’t need help! We’re just gonna hang out and keep our minds off stuff.”

“Janis, isn’t the first rule of these meetings accepting that you have a problem?”

“I had a problem, now I have you.”

A silence hung over them. Janis’s leg bounced again and again and she noticed Regina staring at it, she wondered what that was about. But as quick as they went down Regina’s eyes went up again. They looked sad, and Janis wanted to take away the hurt in them as fast as she could. But she couldn’t exactly find the words to say.

“Okay, that came out wrong-”

“You can’t  _ just _ have me!” Regina yelled. “I don’t  _ just _ have you. I have work, and friends and-”

“Yeah, speaking of friends, am I ever gonna be allowed to meet them, or am I staying a secret?” 

She knew it was slightly a low blow, also that it was way off topic but she wanted Regina off her back about the meetings. Regina scoffed and bit the inside of her cheek. 

Suddenly a different voice cut in, “She has a point.”

They both looked over to Aaron who was wearing a white tanktop, Hawaiian shirt, and cargo shorts. He stood underneath an American flag and held a burger. Janis hadn’t even noticed him yet, and she stared at the mess before her, confused as ever.

“Let’s not have this conversation in front of Aaron shall we?”

Janis nodded and followed Regina up the stairs and into her room, she closed the door behind them and Regina quickly turned on her, speaking as she took off her jacket. “I'm going to introduce you when I’m ready.” 

She went and sat towards the head of the bed, “It’s been months, Regina. When are you gonna be ready?”

“I’ll be ready when I am!” Regina slipped out of her shirt and put on a different one, “But this conversation is about you actually.”

“Well, maybe I didn’t tell you about my past because I knew you wouldn’t get it!”

“Maybe I’d get it if you explained it. Instead, I have to go through your stuff.” Regina quickly reached into the closet and dragged out a box. Though it wasn’t just a box it was one of Janis’ boxes, one she kept personal items in that she brought when they moved in together.

“You went through my stuff?”

Regina didn’t answer, lifting a smaller box out of the moving box and sitting it on the edge of the bed, pulling items out. “See this? Yeah, it says you wrote this in the hospital.”

The blonde held up a small blue notepad, doodles decorating the outside of it. Janis groaned at the memory, rubbing her temples. “You went through my stuff.” She stood up, moving towards Regina.

“I did! I did it because I was worried.” She flipped through the notebook before landing on the page she wanted. “This here says you owe someone named Art Freak $800!”

Janis stayed silent, clenching, and unclenching her fists. Regina had gone through her stuff, Regina went through her stuff without her permission. She ran a hand through her hair, leg bouncing more than she thinks it ever has.

“And- And what's this?” Regina grabbed a plastic bag out, it contained a folded up shirt, and Janis looked away from it, filled with anger and some shame.

“What is it, Janis? Some kind of…. drug shirt?”

Janis snatched the bag from her, grabbing the small box as well and running down the stairs. She could hear Regina behind her but she stayed intent on her task. As fast as she could she grabbed a beer and some matches, walking outside. She looked around before spotting a trash can, checking it was empty before dragging it to the middle of the patio area, dropping the box in it.

Her hands shook as she poured the beer all over the box, tears daring to spill but she quickly bit them back. She took the match and after a few strikes, got it going. Now, Regina was outside and was watching with wide eyes. Janis quickly dropped the match into the trash can. 

The flames shot up and Janis laughed, taking a few steps back as she literally watched her past go up in flames. She looked to Regina who turned and walked back inside, Janis followed her, closing the door behind them.

“What the hell was that?”

“It’s the new me! New life. No more... “ She looked outside to the burning bin, “No more past. I have everything under control.”

“Said every junkie ever!”

“I’m not a junkie!” Janis said, no longer could she fight back the tears. She took a pillow from the couch and shoved her face in it, trying to calm herself.

“Why must you be so.... intense!”

Janis pulled her face from the pillow, staring up at Regina with puffy red eyes, “I am not intense.”

Regina scoffed, walking away. She grabbed her purse, “I have a work meeting.” And with that, she was out the door.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“So, I’m in the bed, right? And I’m going down on this girl-”

That’s all Janis could take before she turned away, going into the back room so she didn’t have to hear this set anymore. She turned to Damian who was sitting on a box, “Why the hell did you book this horrible man?”

“His name is Glen Coco, people love him.”

“He’s terribly unfunny.”

Damian shrugged. She sighed and all of a sudden felt a strong push to her shoulder, she turned quickly to see Shane Oman. Over the past few months, the two of them had become somewhat friends, so Janis didn’t hesitate to smile when she saw what he was dressed in.

He wore a two-piece suit with cartoonish marijuana prints on it. They covered every inch of the black fabric, “What is this, Shane?”

“My new gimmick. Everyone loves weed right?”

She shook her head in disbelief, “Sure, bud.”

“Woo!” A loud cheer came from behind and everyone turned their attention to it. Glen came off stage and into the room, smiling wide. “Another great set by me.” He patted everyone on the back before going into the bathroom, Janis took a breath.

Her attention fell to Damian who now had a small bag in his hand, white powder filling half of it. A familiar ringing filled her ears as she watched Damian make a line on his hand, sniffing the powder up his nose. She felt dizzy, she needed to go. Her mind was foggy as he held the bag up towards her, saying something that she couldn’t hear.

The bag went back into his pocket before she could say anything and he stood, tapping her shoulder. “You’re up.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

Her friends all laughed with drunk joy as they sang karaoke and told jokes. Though Regina wasn’t having a great time. Partly because of the guilt she felt for lying to Janis, also because of the events that just happened at home, and also the fact that Kevin Gnapoor will not shut up.

So yeah, she was not having a great time.

“Um, Regina,” she turned her attention towards him, finally tuning in to what he was saying. “I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime.”

She barely heard him over the loud noise of her friend, Gretchen, singing some Whitney Houston song. Regina shifted in her seat, thinking of something to say. “Oh, Kevin, I’m sorry but I have a uh… boyfriend.”

Kevin’s face fell, “Oh.. what's his name?”

“Jason… Jason Ian.”

Before Kevin could say anything else she stood and grabbed the mic from Gretchen, pushing her aside lightly as the song changed. She spent the next three minutes singing  _ Fly Me to the Moon,  _ Kevin continually trying to cut it and sing with her.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

The set had gone well, people liked her. She felt the nicest buzzing sensation going through her, she loved it. Now she was back at the apartment. She hadn’t talked to Regina in hours, and it felt weird. It felt wrong. They needed to talk and she knew that, she knew they needed to fix things. But her pride was so strong, still, she loved Regina, she wasn't willing to lose her over her past.

She took a shaky breath before stepping into the room, seeing Regina laying on the bed, back firm against the headboard as she scrolled on her computer. Regina looked up when Janis stepped in, eyes glued on her.

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything… everything.”

She nodded, sitting on the bed, avoiding eye contact with Regina as she spoke. “Okay so, I got addicted to coke when I was young and my parents kicked me out. I sold, I overdosed, I uh, went to jail. But it’s all in the past and now I’m fine! And I just, really want it to be over.”

There was a beat, where neither of them said anything, where neither of them dared to say the wrong thing, fearing the others reaction. “Okay.”

Janis looked over to her, “Okay?”

Regina nodded, “Yeah.”

“Great, so is there anything else we need to talk about?”

“Why don’t you just go down on me?”

Janis quickly stood, removing her jacket, “Yeah alright.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They laid in bed together, Regina rolled so she was facing away from Janis, and Janis was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Her mind raced with thoughts, some of them good, others… well she preferred not to focus on the others.

Her phone buzzed and she looked over.

_ Betsy: I’m sewing you a jacket, darling! _

_ Betsy: We should learn something new tomorrow! _

_ Betsy: SCREW THE MEETINGS _

Janis didn’t open them, simply put her phone back, as she did though her eyes fell on a picture of Regina and another girl, she didn’t recognize her, though she wished she did. Her ears rang, she hated the ringing. She wanted it to stop, but it wasn’t anytime soon. And all she could do was close her eyes, and hopefully sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was fun to write so I hope you had fun reading.  
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated, let me know what you think.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	4. Fixation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regina's gone for a wedding, and Janis goes crazy without her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, for the longer gap than usual, things have been crazy with midterms and stuff. Thanks for the support, enjoy.
> 
> tw // addictive behavior

Janis dragged her feet along the mall floor as she followed behind Regina, looking at everything she could to deny the inevitable. When she stopped to stare at a picture of some random models dressed in clothes she definitely couldn’t afford, Regina stopped and huffed, turning to look at her. 

“Janis, please.”

She looked over, feigning innocence, “What?”

“I’m only going to be gone for a day and a half, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Janis shook her head, it was a big deal. This would be their first time apart for that long ever since they’ve been together and tensions were still slightly high after the whole incident. Though of course, neither of them spoke on it, just hoping it would go away soon enough.

“Just let me come as your plus one!” Regina grabbed her hand and began leading her along again, intent on going to the next shop they needed to. When she got no response she continued on her begging, “I love weddings! They are fun, I will even buy some fancy clothes.”

She could practically hear Regina’s eyes rolling. They turned into the shop and Regina began looking around. “I’m not even allowed a plus-one, Jan, no one is.” 

“So sneak me in!”

Regina laughs, grabbing a dress and looking at it. 

“Okay, but what if you cry at the wedding and not a single person holds you?”

The blonde turns to face her, obviously holding back another laugh and a smile. She sighs, shaking her head. “I don’t cry at weddings, I don’t even like them.”

“You don’t like weddings?”

Regina continued to walk through the store, Janis on her heels. 

“They’re so archaic, I mean promise yourself to another person… forever? Seems quite insane if you ask me. And the rings, don’t even get me started on the rings.”

“The rings make you mad? How?”

“It’s just ridiculous.”

Janis huffed and Regina shrugged, before grabbing a dress. “Wanna come with me to the changing room?”

“Wh- Oh. Oh yeah.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Janis laid under the covers, propped up against the headboard as she watched Regina throw on her jacket. She huffed, “Still upset about this.”

“Oh, love, don’t be.”

“Who’s even gonna be there?”

Regina shrugged, “Some random people”

“I love random people! They are my kind of people!”

Her girlfriend gave her a quick side-eye but moved on, opening up a bag and packing some items Janis didn’t pay attention to. 

“So when am I gonna meet these random people?” She asked.

“Do you have to meet them?”

Janis thinks that's record time for an attempt to meet Regina’s friends being shot down. She shifts under the covers, “I’d like to.”

Regina quickly checked her phone, “Ah. Shoot, I’m late. I’m so late.” She zipped the bag up and gave Janis a quick kiss, waving as she left. Janis bit the inside of her cheek.

“Now it’s just me and my thoughts.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She walked down the stairs quickly stopping when she saw Aaron, “Hey can you like keep an eye on Janis? I don’t want to leave her alone with her…. well, her brain.”

Aaron shook his head, “Sorry, I start my new job today.”

She chuckled slightly, “New job?”

He quickly unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing and stuck on some stupid sun hat and sunglasses. Regina raised an eyebrow, “I’m working as a street performer, today's theme is the recycled stuff from your failed attempt to make Janis feel safe and in America.”

She nodded at the familiar sight of the Hawaiin shirt and cargo shorts. “Right. Well, I must go, yeah? Please just try and keep her sane.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

The drive there felt excruciating. There was sucky traffic and her driver kept yelling, it gave her a massive headache by the time they pulled up. Regina sighed as she stepped out of the car, almost right as her foot touched the ground her phone rang. She pulled it out.

“Hello?”

“Regina!”

Janis’s familiar voice rang through the speaker and she smiled softly at it. Starting to walk across the courtyard towards the massive church. “What’s wrong, do you need something?”

“No, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Well aren't you a charmer.”

Janis’s next statement is cut off by her friend Gretchen running up and hugging her, practically throwing herself around her. Regina stumbled slightly but managed to hug back, she can faintly hear Janis asking if that’s her friend.

“Wait! Is that your boyfriend? Let me say hi!”

Regina stuck the phone back to her ear to hear Janis say, “Let me say hi!”

“Um, no sorry I don’t need insurance.” She quickly hung up, looking at Gretchen with an annoyed face. “Spam callers, right?”

“Right.”

Gretchen studied Regina for a moment before sighing and turning towards the church, the two of them walking together. “Oh, look, your mother.”

Regina inwardly groaned, “Whatever you do, don't mention the divorce, it’s all she can talk “about. If it comes up, bring up something else.”

Her friend nods, seemingly understanding as they walk up the stops. Stopping where her mother stands in a lovely powder blue dress. “Regina, darling, how are you?”

“I’m good, how about you?”

She sighs in an overdramatic matter, “Ah, well, enjoying the days of the divorce, I suppose. Have you, um, heard from your father?”

“No, I’m sorry, mum, I haven’t.” She shifted, “But you look lovely!”

“Well if you see him you tell him that, mum looked lovely.”

Regina laughs softly, nodding. Her phone dings once and her mother raises an eyebrow for a second but they both ignore it. Until it happens again, and again and again. Then it rings, and Regina sighs. “I should go get changed.”

“Right.”

She turns and digs her phone out of her pocket as she enters the building and goes up the stairs. Her phone stopped ringing by the time she made it to a small room with a sign that says changing outside of it. She huffed and looked at her notifications. “Holy-” Her phone rings again and she answers.

“Janis, I have 34 messages from you.”

“Why did you tell your friend I was a spam caller?”

She huffs, “I panicked. But Jan,  _ 34 messages.  _ That’s not normal, that’s not healthy.”

“Yeah, I do feel kind of weird.”

Her gut turned slightly at the confession, “It’s slightly scary when you lose control like this.”  
“I haven’t lost control, look-”

She cut her off, “I can’t be on the phone right now so why don’t we just do this: no more texts for the remainder of my trip. It’ll only be 30 hours, alright?”

“What? Regina, what if there's an emergency?”

“You’re an adult, Jan. Relax, maybe go to a meeting?” She knew it was never going to happen and she could practically hear Janis shake her head and roll her eyes. “Or go see your sponsor?”

“Regina…”

“I’ve got to go, just don’t text me please.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

The phone line clicks and she throws her phone onto the table, staring down at it. Regina was gone, she was alone. Except Regina wasn’t technically gone. She knows she’s being insane. And she’s slightly afraid of the familiar feeling that’s coming over her right now. She taps her foot, sighing.

Her thoughts taunt her. Images of Regina flashing through her mind, her voice repeating the words ‘don’t text me’ over and over. It’s her fault, really. Regina is right, she’s an adult, she shouldn’t be so dependent on her girlfriend. However….

She grabs her phone up and opens it, going to Regina’s contact. Her hands shake slightly as she hovers over the keyboard. What the hell was she doing? As it always seems to do in situations like these the ringing in her ears returned, like a high-pitched feedback she can’t seem to turn off.

After a moment she manages to pry her eyes away from her phone and look to the counter where an empty packaging envelope sits. A lightbulb goes off in her brain and she sets her phone down, she grabs the envelope and walks back, sticking her phone in it. She closes it up.

“Okay, great.”

The problem is solved.

She stares at the envelope, maybe it’s not.

Quickly she walks over to the drawer she had learned Aaron uses for his arts and crafts project and digs around in it. She finds some colorful duct tape and sets it on the counter, grabbing some scissors. She wraps the envelope in duct tape completely, but still, the itch in her brain to text Regina has not gone away.

Her eyes dart around the room, needing another level of protection. She walks around before spotting it: the stupid shoe box size storage container Regina got for her. She grabs it and sticks the envelope inside, duct taping the box shut. The ringing decreases slightly and she grabs the box smiling at her accomplishment.

Even though it would take her a solid few minutes to get her phone out her mind screams at her to get her phone. And fearing the consequences of texting Regina she grabs her jacket and leaves, not willing to mess up.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

A couple of texts and a long walk later she’s outside the community center, sitting in Betsy’s car. She recounted the whole story to her sponsor and Betsy was appalled.

“You’re not allowed to text her at all? Well, that’s just insane.”

Janis nodded slightly, “I mean, I get where she’s coming from, yeah? But-” She paused, sighing. “I don’t know, it’s just weird.”

A small tap on the drivers' side window made them both look up, seeing Ron crouching down. Betsy looked over to Janis and rolled her eyes before rolling the window down slightly. “What is it, Duvall?”

“I was wondering if you guys wanted to come on in, the meeting already started.”

“Look, Ron, I appreciate it but I came once, I don’t need it because I don't do drugs anymore.”

Betsy nodded along in agreement, “Exactly.”

“Right, but it’s not just a one-time thing or for current users, it’s important to maintain regular meetings.”

The window began to roll up, and Ron tried to dispute it, but he was cut off before he could. “Gah, that man is insufferable, no?”

Janis shrugged, opting to stay silent,

“Alright, I’m going to an exhibition so let’s get you dropped off at home, yeah?”

“Drop me off at home? No! I can’t be home right now.”

Betsy sighed, “Well, love, I’m not sure what you want me to do about that.”

“Sponsor me! I need to be sponsored.”

“Fine then, let’s go.”

She started up the car and they started to drive. Janis wasn’t sure where they were going but as long as she wasn’t near her phone she didn’t care. She needed fresh air, to feel the breeze on her face. She rolled down the window about 10 minutes into the drive and did exactly that, relishing in the feeling of the cool air.

After a few moments, she stuck her head back in, rolling up the window. “I love the breeze, See sometimes I think that I only love Regina, but I also love the breeze.”

Betsy laughed, smiling.” Yeah! Regina is not your only personality trait, darling. You must remember that. You are other things as well. Addicts tend to fixate, you’ve gotta shake things up.”

Janis felt sick all of a sudden, she felt dizzy and hot and her stomach did flips. “Yeah…” The words Betsy just said resonated with her,  _ addicts tend to fixate.  _ She wasn’t getting… addicted to Regina, right? No, that’s insane, she reasoned with herself, adjusting the way she was sitting in the car seat.

Betsy kept talking but Janis could barely process a word she was saying, simply nodding along as she tried to get her thoughts together.

She knows what addiction feels like, she would have been able to stop it before it got bad. Though she supposes maybe she didn’t want to. She shakes that thought out of her head, not wanting to deal with that now. She takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes, and before long the car is parked.

“Okay! Let’s go!”

The sounded yell made Janis jolt slightly as the older woman moved very fast out of the car, she quickly unbuckled and followed suit, walking into what looked like an art show. Janis looked around, admiring the pieces.

“Champagne?” A nicely dressed caterer came with a tray, holding it in front of the two women. 

Janis shook her head, but Betsy took one, taking a very large, and very impressive drink from it. She stuck her hands into her pockets and continued to look around, walking to different pieces. All around were people who looked way more appropriately dressed for this than she was. Most of the guys were in business casual, most women were in dresses. Unconsciously she tried to make herself a bit smaller, hugging closer to herself.

A tap on her shoulder came and she turned. She tilted her head slightly when the person standing in front of her wasn’t Betsy, but a girl who looked around her age, with auburn hair that cascading down her shoulders. She wore a sleek navy pantsuit and had a stern look on her face.

“I’ve called the police.”

Janis’s breath caught in her throat and she coughed in surprise, “What?”

“I’m not sure who you are but I have called the police to remove you and my mother.”

She quickly shook her head, “No, no, no! You have the wrong person. I’m with my friend Betsy, and she doesn’t have kids.” She looked over to see Betsy watching them, trying and failing to hide behind a statue.

“She told you she has no kids?” The woman's face fell slightly for a moment but almost immediately the stern look from before was back up.

“Of course…”

Out of the corner of her eye she watched as Betsy moved from behind the statue and walked towards the back exit, disappearing into the light that flooded in from it.

“I told her I don’t want to see her.”

Janis snapped back to the woman in front of her.

“I changed my number, told her multiple times to leave me alone. And now she turns up to my work with…” She eyed Janis up and down, “some new charity case in tow.”

“What? I’m not a charity case. I’m Janis, Betsy is my sponsor.”

The woman clicked her tongue, “Oh so you're one of my mothers' addict friends.”

She scoffed, “I’m not an addict anymore. And I didn’t even know you existed, so if I’m following or stalking you it’s by accident. I’m an accidental stalker.”

“That’s funny. You’re funny. I’m Cady.” Her face stayed stoic and she didn’t even make a sound of enjoyment, but Janis was glad to know her name.

Janis nodded, “Yeah well don’t laugh too hard, hm?”

She stayed silent.

“Well, I am a comedian, actually.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. I’m just… I’m gonna go, I’m sorry.”

Cady sighed, moving some of her hair out of her face. “It’s fine, just tell her to stay the hell away from me.”

She nodded and quickly moved past her, she opened the back door and walked to the car, seeing Betsy cowering behind it, champagne glass still in hand.

“You liar! You lied to me!”

“What?”

“You said you have no kids,” she threw her hands up, “but you have a daughter.” Before Betsy could say anything she continued, “And you’re stalking her! What the hell, Betsy!”

The older woman shrugged, “I’m still me, Janis.”

“You’re supposed to be my foundation! But now I’m finding out my foundation is full of cracks.”

She sighed and stormed off, maybe a bad decision but she didn’t care right now. She needed something… she needed to text Regina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this is story turning out to be a bit longer than I wanted, however, I'm still going to continue it. I didn't want to make this chapter too long so the next chapter will pick up from this mini cliffhanger I suppose.
> 
> As always kudos and comments are appreciated. Let me know what y'all are thinking, also I didn't proofread it as thoroughly as I usually do so if you see something say something I suppose.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	5. Identity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron, Arguments, and Addiction. The three A's.
> 
> (alternatively: Money, Meetings, and Macbeth. The three M's)
> 
> (or if you want an actual summary: Regina comes back and Janis makes a serious personal choice, and we see where it goes from there)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it obvious in the summary that I really hate writing summaries? Basically, this chapter picks up where we stopped last time. There are some POV switches and time skips, everything should be pretty clear.
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> tw // addictive behavior, horrible communication, mentioned drug use

She practically ran into the front door, digging into her pocket for her keys. Nothing came from the search and she groaned, digging in each pocket on her but coming up empty each time. “Come on!” She tugged on the handle, “Aaron!” Silence.

She walked around to the back, going through the gate and into the backyard. She peered into the back door, seeing her keys resting on a small table. She sighed, trying to open the back door to no avail.

“Aaron?”

She stuck her ear to the door, listening to see if Aaron was actually home. However, instead of hearing him, she heard a familiar ringtone. Her gaze fell upon the taped-up box on the coffee table. “Regina, oh my God.” She tried to door handle again, pushing and pulling as hard as she could in a desperate attempt to get in. The ringing eventually stopped and she sighed. Quickly she turned and left the backyard, walking towards the one place and person she knows would help her.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“I can’t text her, Damian! She told me not to text her but then she called me! I’m just worried, I mean what if she’s in a crisis? Who’s gonna help her?”

Her friend sighs, sitting down as Janis continues to practically pace the whole room. “Janis-”

“I mean is the best man gonna help her? Give her a nice big hug then ask for a blow job in return?”

“Janis she’s not gonna cheat on you at a wedding.”

“My phone is locked in the house along with my wallet! All I need is 10 pounds so I can buy two nail files and some olive oil to get the lock open, I have done it multiple times before.”

Damian rolls his eyes, “I told you, if you’re locked out, you can just stay with me.”

“I don’t need to stay with you, Dam! I need money, so are you going to give me some or not?”

He shakes his head, ‘I’m not. Alright? I’m not feeding into whatever this is.”

She sighs, running a hand through her hair and looking to her left. She spots a small cash box and eyes it, apparently, Damian caught on because they both lunged for it, resulting in a small tussle. “Jan, give me the cash!”

“No! I need the money!”

An arm comes in the middle of them and Damian goes stumbling back slightly, Janis holding onto the box. She looks to see Aaron standing in between her and Damian, looking ready to fight. It was slightly a funny sight as Damian was 6’4 and built like a linebacker while Aaron seems to be about 5’9 and looked like a retired dad.

“Hey! I’m gonna need you to get off of her man.”

Damian just looked at the man for a moment, “Who the hell are you?”

“Damian this is Aaron, Aaron this is Damian.”

“What? Just… if you don’t calm down, I’m not booking you here anymore!”

“Oh really?”

His tone turned deadly serious, “I’m not messing around, Janis.”

She looked to Aaron, “Do you have your keys?”

He nodded, “Yeah, yeah, how about you go get some air, I’ll meet you outside.”

She complied and walked off, though she didn’t step into the outdoors, simply waited outside of the room, leaning against a wall. A few seconds went by before she decided to tune into the conversation she could faintly hear.

_ “She’s living with you right? Well, when she was with me she was never like this.” _

There was a silence for a moment before she heard Aaron clear his throat.

_ “Yo, my man, are you uh… are you chasing the white dragon?” _

_ “What?” _

_ “Cocaine. It’s alright, you can talk to me, dude.” _

_ Damian seemed to sputter over his words. “Relax, man.” _

_ “Yeah yeah, did you know um, Janis used to have a coke problem?” _

_ “What? No.” Her friend's tone changed. “She never said.” _

She immediately kicked from the wall and walked back into the room, not wanting their conversation to continue. “Can we go now?”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Janis cut into the envelope, pulling out her phone as Aaron sat on the couch, going through some mail. “And she didn’t let you text her?”

“No.”

“Well, why wouldn’t she just bring you with her?”

“She wasn’t allowed a plus one.”

Aaron was silent for a moment as he seemed to fixate on one piece of mail, she looked up to him and he set the pile down. “Ya know Janis when I was a kid all of my friends had these lovely, gorgeous flowers. They were tall and bright, and everyone loved them. However, I didn’t have any, and people made fun of me for it.”

Janis raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“But one day, on my 10th birthday, my parents got me seeds and I planted them and waited. The next day at school everyone was like ‘Oh! Show us your flowers Aaron, we’d love to see them.’ But I didn’t because they were just seedlings and I was ashamed of them.”

“I’m not seeing where the story is going.”

He shushed her, “So I shoved them into my closet where they withered and died. If only I had left them out in the sun, they would have grown so big and strong.”

She nodded slowly, “Am I the flowers and Regina is you?”

He shook his head, “I was just telling you a simple story about myself, you can take from it what you want.”

Her phone rang and she looked down, the contact name reading Regina. Aaron looked at her with sad eyes, she hated it. She looked back down at the phone and clicked decline, letting out a breath. 

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“Janis is that you?”

She nodded and stared at her mother on the computer screen, Aaron had long gone to bed and she was sitting downstairs in the dark, blanket wrapped around her. “Mom, am I needy?”

“Yes.”

She laughed softly, “Thanks, mom.”

“Well, you asked, darling.”

“I suppose.”

Her father's smiling face showed up behind her mother, leaning over her shoulder. “Janis! Where’s Regina?”

“Oh um, we are taking ‘healthy space’ apparently.”

Her mother scoffed, “There’s no such thing as taking healthy space.”

“I disagree, you guys took healthy space from em when you kicked me out as a teen.”

Low blow.

Her father sighed, “I’ll be in the garden.”

“Janis, I’m not doing this again.”

“Fine.” She gave in easy, not actually wanting to have this conversation. “I just don’t remember what I used to talk about before Regina.”

Her mother hummed, “Well, before Regina it was Dawn, your true love. Then it was that dreadful older woman, Sharon Norbury. I despised her but you called her your true love.”

“I get it.”

“Oh! And there was Caitlyn, who only lasted for a week but you were planning marriage.”

“Alright! Mom! I get it.”

“And before all of them, it was drugs.”

She sighed, “I’m Pac-Man.” Her mother gave her a confused look. “I’m a hungry, empty ghost.”

“Hm, that’s quite poetic, Janis.”

“Yeah, alright. I’m going to bed, love you, mom.”

Her mother waved and she shut the computer, sighing. Maybe there was something to those meetings…

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They all sat in a circle, Janis fidgeted as everyone went around sharing tidbits and stories. Right now someone named Dwayne Carr is speaking, talking about how one day he quit his coaching job and now is riding in style with 200k a year. He’s grossly egotistical and she finds it hard to listen to him, she obviously didn’t do a good job hiding her distaste for him because Ron looked over to her.

“Janis? Do you have something to say?”

She sighs, “I’m sorry it’s just…. I mean, Dwayne how much sex do you have? Like a weird and gross amount?”

He scoffs.

“And Sonja, how much do you compulsively lie?”

The woman shakes her head, “Never.”

“It’s just we all have these habits. Cigarettes, our phones. We have these things so how can we say we aren’t addicted.”

Dwayne sits up a bit straighter, “I think it’s bull because I’ve been clean for 58 months!”

She nods, “Look, my girlfriend, Regina, she went away for one day and I lost it. It was all the same feelings, craving, withdrawal and relief, and obsession!” She sighs, “If you really think about it, we are just swapping one addiction for another.”

All of a sudden everyone's voice was chiming in. Most of them angry at her, some of them confused. She groaned, trying to tune them all out, but then Betsy spoke, loud enough for everyone to shut up.

“I have a daughter and she hates me. It’s my biggest shame, that I wasn’t a good mother. Caddy moved on when she was 16.”

“I’m sorry did you say Caddy? Like those golf caddies?”

Betsy nodded at Janis, “Yes, darling, that’s her name. But uh, she moved out when she was 16 and now I’m… well I suppose I’m stalking her. It used to be only once every few months, I’d check her website, go to some functions, but now it’s every function, every gala…”

The room is deadly silent as Betsy continues to speak, no one daring to interrupt her. Janis watched her carefully.

“I hide in bushes, under tables… and it hurts. However, if I don’t see her I will fall down on the floor and die. So every week I get in my car and follow her, and she hates me for doing it, and every time it happens I hate myself more… But I can’t stop myself.  **I am an addict** .”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

She spent the rest of the day thinking about it. About her relationship with Regina, about Betsy. She thinks about how she feels incomplete without Regina, but that slightly concerns her. Isn’t she supposed to be someone outside of her girlfriend?’

Keys jingle in the door and she walks downstairs, seeing Regina walk in and set her bag down, smiling when she sees Janis. They hug and Regina sighs contently, “How are you? How was it?”

“Oh um, I’m good, I’m normal.” 

“Good, good that’s good.”

She nods, “I think I’m gonna start going to regular meetings.”

Regina smiles softly, wrapping Janis in another hug and giving her a kiss. “I’m so proud of you, darling.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

It’s a week later and Janis is back in another meeting, Tina is speaking currently, talking about her nine boyfriends.

“It’s just so hard, I don’t know why I keep letting this happen.”

Ron clears his throat, “Well, Tina, this sounds like a textbook case of an addictive personality.”

Betsy rolls her eyes, scoffing, “But what does that even mean, Ron?”

Janis could answer that with her sponsors' own words,  _ Addicts tend to fixate.  _ Though she figures it’s better to let the actual leader go. So she bites her tongue and sighs softly. 

“Well, people with addictive personalities are… impulsive. They’re sensation seekers.”

She pulls out her phone.

“You may see that this facet of your personality is…”

Betsy cuts him off with yet another scoff, “Facet.. for Christ's sake, Ron.”

He sighs, “Okay, Betsy, you’ve talked about your daughter in group before. How would you describe that relationship? Consistent? Stable? Healthy?”

“No, none of those things. It’s a mess, practically nonexistent. She hates me and I need her.”

He nods, “Janis.”

She looks up from her phone, “Yes?”

“You mentioned feeling anxious about your girlfriend before. Do you think there's some part of you that enjoys the intensity and drama of it all?”

She laughs softly at the absurdity of it, “No actually. We are perfect right now, see it was stressful and anxious but now it’s very nice and chill. Very rom-com.”

Betsy turns to her and smiles, “That’s wonderful, love! Has she introduced you to her friends then?”

She stays silent.

“Um,” Ron says, “there are ways to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one. It just takes work.”

Her phone buzzes and she looks down, seeing a message from Regina pop up.

_ Come screw me in the cupboard at work x _

She nearly chokes on-air as she stands up, grabbing her bag. “I’m sorry but I must go.”

It’s in moments like these she’s glad she did cross country in middle and part of high school. She gets to Regina’s work in about 19 minutes, huffing slightly as she pushes the door into her classroom, smiling.

“Oh my..” Regina quickly closes the door behind her. “I didn’t think you’d actually come.”

“Of course I came! It was a matter of urgency.”

“Did you run here, Jan?”

She nods, still trying to catch her breath. “Yeah. I ran home then to here.”

“I’m gonna lose my job… did anyone see you?”

“A kid saw me but I managed to convince him I was a ghost.”

Regina laughs at that, “Janis!”

“How are you? How’s your day going?”

“No time for that.”

Regina’s lips are quickly on hers as she’s pushed further back into a small closet, their hands roam all over each other and Janis quickly starts to unbutton Regina’s shirt. “Wait why did you run home?”

“I got the strap-on.”

“Oh great, alright, put it on.”

She nods, “Or you could?”

“What?”

“It’s just you never wear it, maybe we could switch things up.”

“Jan-”

The door bursts open and Regina’s hand quickly pushes Janis completely into the closet, closing the door. She gasped slightly, catching herself before she crashed into anything and put a hand over her mouth. 

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

“Regina!”

“Karen! Karen, you’re here. Wow, hi.”

The platinum blonde smiles wide at her, “I have got news.”

“What news?”

“You know the new 10th-grade geography teacher? He’s single and supposedly ready to mingle.” She emphasizes the last part of the sentence with a wiggling of her hips.

“Oh, wow. That’s- yeah wow.”

She nods, “Yes, well, may the best woman win, yeah?”

“Win?”

“Remember? We said we wanted to be the map he plots?”

She cringes slightly, “I said that?”

Karen laughs loudly, “Looks like I already have the lead.”

“Yes, well, thanks, Karen.”

She ushers the other woman out of the room, watching her to make sure she’s completely gone before closing the door. She presses out her clothes and goes back to the closet door, trying to force an apologetic look on her face before reaching for the handle.

The door opens to Janis’s agitated face and she steps inside, sighing. “Jan, come on, it’s Karen.”

“I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.” She takes a moment, “Maybe I would if I actually knew your friends.”

“Look let’s just do this alright?”

“No, Regina! I don’t think I can because I don’t get turned on by the thought of being in a closet… if you know what I mean.”

Regina sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Come on! This is sexy! Like, Romeo and Juliet, it’s forbidden.”

“I’ve never seen Macbeth.”

“No, Jan it’s not-”

The bell rings. They both lock eyes and Janis shakes her head, “No, no no no.”

“I’m so sorry.”

She steps out of the closet and closes the door, locking her girlfriend inside. Her students pile in and go to their seats, talking with each other as they wait for class to officially start. She takes a breath and walks to the front, greeting everyone. Though just from the way she couldn’t stop looking at the closet, she knew she was in for one hell of a long class.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

She couldn’t believe it…. Regina locked her in a closet. She looked around her, it was filled with art supplies, board games, and extra school supplies. It was big enough she could move around, but she barely did for fear of making too much noise. Even as mad as she was she’d never want Regina to lose her job.

She spent what felt like forever in there, listening to Regina teach and making random crafts out of the supplies she found. At one point she sent a picture of herself flipping off the camera to Regina, hoping her message came across.

When the door finally opened again she was laying on the floor, eyes closed. She stood up fast when it did though, walking out and grabbing her bag which was conveniently shoved into a corner. 

“Janis wait-”

“No, I’m done being your dirty little secret. I want to meet your friends.”

Regina sighed, seemingly at a loss for words. Janis rolled her eyes at that, turning to leave when a hand fell onto her shoulder. “Fine. I’m going to a get together after your gig on Friday, how about I pick you up and we go together?”

Janis quickly nodded, not wanting to let this offer go. “Yeah! Yeah! You mean it?”

“Yes, I mean it.”

“I’d love that”

She’s finally going to meet Regina’s friends. After five months of desperately trying to through both subtle and direct hints. She’s finally doing it. She gave Regina a kiss and turned towards the door.

“Janis wait.”

She turned back, nerves filling her.

“Can you go out the window?”

She nodded and complied, going out the window and coming out onto a small empty field, where she did a small celebratory dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters gonna be a bit wild so be prepared. I wanted to post this one fast because I didn't like leaving y'all on a cliffhanger. But yeah, I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> As always comments and kudos are appreciated, let me know what's working and what's not.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	6. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janis finally meets Regina's friends, fingers crossed it goes well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't got much to say except I really liked writing this chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> tw // unhealthy relationship/communication, slight homophobia, blood/injury

Janis sat at the bar, writing into a small notebook she kept to write down her ideas in. Her set went really well, probably her best set in a while honestly. She thanks the plans that are to come later for that. All week she’s been buzzing with excitement over meeting Regina’s friends and tonight was the night. She was just waiting for Regina to come get her.

“You were good.”

She looks up, expecting Regina but being met with an entirely different person, Cady. She was dressed less formally than their first meeting, wearing a loose t-shirt tucked into dark jeans.

“Oh! It’s you. Betsy’s daughter.”

The girl nodded.

“Caddy.”

“Cady. My mother was high when she named me after a type of golf equipment.”

Janis laughed softly at that. “I like the name Caddy.”

“I don’t.”

“Cady it is then.” She tapped her fingers along the counter, “What are you doing here? Who were you here to see?”

“You said you were a comedian so I looked you up.”

“Oh, wow, cool.”

“I wanted to ask you something.”

She nodded, “Go ahead.”

“Is my mother really sponsoring you? Because that would imply that she’s actually helping someone for once and well… that doesn’t sound like her.”

“Your mom is helping me, a lot surprisingly. She keeps me clean, talks to me. I mean, we even do pottery together.”

Cady seemed to think this over for a moment, her eyebrows knitting together ever so slightly. She sighed, nodding slowly. “So is she good?”

“Good?”

“Is she a good person?”

Janis smiled softly, “The best.”

“She wants to meet up with me.”

“Oh?”

She nodded, taking a drink from her beer and leaning against the counter. “I haven’t talked to her one on one in over three years, and the last time we did it ended not so well.” 

“I think you should.”

“Thanks, Janis.”

“Anytime.”

The red-head turned to leave, but stopped only a few steps away, turning back. “Is it true what you said onstage?”

Janis thought back to her set. It was mainly focused on things that had happened over the past few months, making a few jabs at her relationship. “Which part?”

“That your girlfriend locked you in a closet because she was scared of people seeing you?”

She laughed, “Um, yeah.”

“How sad, if I was your girlfriend I’d show you off every chance I got.”

Janis’s eyes widened a bit at that. Cady gave her a small wave and just left, leaving her there in slight shock. She shook it off as well as she could and turned back to her notebook, only to have her shoulder tapped a second later.

“Regina!”

The blonde smiled, “Who was that you were talking to?”

“Oh, uh, just my sponsor's daughter, Cady.”

“Hm, alright, well, let’s go shall we?”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Janis laughed as her girlfriend shuffled the wine bottle she brought in her hands. They had parked a ways away from the house they were now walking to and Janis wondered why. Regina looked over to her and rolled her eyes.

“Why are you so nervous, Reg? Aren’t they your friends?”

“You don’t know these people, Jan.”

Janis sighed, “I think they’re gonna be happy for you when they see you in love.”

“They find emotions disgusting. All they want to do is drink and make jokes”

“Ah, so they’re British. Why do you hang out with them if you don’t like them?”

“I like two of them, Gretchen and Karen, they are family. It’s just the rest of them are annoying. And Karen’s not even going to be here.

“Still can’t believe you know someone named Gretchen.”

Regina laughed softly as they turned the corner, coming face to face with a very nice house. Regina stopped in her tracks and Janis stopped with her, looking over at her with a confused look. 

“There’s something you need to know before we go in and I need you to not be mad.”

“Um, okay.”

Her girlfriend took a deep breath, “They think I have a boyfriend named Jason Ian.”

Janis’s mouth fell open slightly, “What? I thought you told them about me weeks ago…”

“It’s not my fault, Jan. I told them I was seeing someone and they just assumed.”

“They assumed his name was Jason Ian?”

Regina sighed, “Look, let’s make a deal. If you keep it together tonight, I will tell someone.”

She scoffed, “Great deal.”

The door opened and they both turned, smiling politely. They were invited in and Janis practically stuck next to Regina’s side until they got to a slightly clear area in a hallway. A brunette came running out of a crowd, arms spread wide.

Regina hugged her, “Gretch!”

“Regina!” They let go of each other and the girl turned towards Janis, “Oh, wow hi. You’re that comedian.”

“And you’re the girl who wouldn’t get off the phone.”

There was a round of stiff and forced laughter. “Well, I’m Gretchen or Gretch, whichever one.” Her hand went and touched the buzzed side of Janis’ hair. “Your hair is so funny.”

“Thank you. Your hair is also hilarious.”

The girl clasped her hands together, “Oh! My cousin Cynthia is here! She’s also a lesbian, come on.” She grabbed Janis’ arm and started leading her away, she looked back to Regina in a silent plea but the blonde turned away from her.

A few moments later Gretchen put Janis in front of a shorter girl with short black hair, she wore a loose button-up, jeans, and vans. 

“Cynthia, Janis. Janis, Cynthia. You two can talk about… lesbian things.”

Gretchen turned and disappeared around the corner. Janis sighed and looked at the girl in front of her. They stayed silent a moment. “Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Lesbian?”

Cynthia nodded, “Yeah. You?”

“Yeah.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She sighed as she stared down at her phone, multiple messages coming in from, of course, Janis.

_ Can we go? _

_ This isn’t very fun. _

_ Why are you ghosting me?? _

_ You can’t keep ignoring me, I’m right behind you. _

She shut off her phone and turned around, seeing Janis sitting on a small chair, looking up at her. Regina sighed and turned back around. Janis had gone for about 10 minutes, supposedly talking with Cynthia but she doubts that lasted long.

Kevin is talking to her right now, something about how he bought leather pants and he looks really good in them. She’s not too sure though, she’s mainly tuning him out. She looks around slightly and notices Gretchen a few feet away.

“Gretch!” She waves her over.

Her friend quickly walks over and Kevin leaves, she lets out a sigh of relief before turning to her friend. “I think I’m gonna break up with Jason.”

“Oh, no, babe, why?”

“I’m just gonna break up with him, and it’s not a big deal, but I think I should tell you-”

She was cut off by the girl drunk laughing and looking behind her, “Why is your friend staring at you? It’s like she’s obsessed.”

Regina turned to see Janis still sitting there, her eyes boring into her back. She sighed and turned back to Gretchen trying to continue what she was saying but Tyler Kimble walked in from the other room, holding a huge inflatable dick. 

“Gretchen! Watch me bum, Kevin.”

Kevin bent over and Tyler proceeded to act as though they were doing it, Regina rolled her eyes and turned away, walking to Janis.

“Did you tell them yet?”

She shook her head, “I’m trying to, it’s just… your eyes are like lasers! Like my neck is hot from you staring at me. So just take the pressure off me for one second.”

Janis didn’t answer her.

“Why don't you dance? There’s nothing sadder than someone who's too neurotic to dance at a party and just sits in the corner. Just be confident”

Her girlfriend scoffs, “Did you ever have acne as a teen? Maybe braces or anything?”

Regina raises an eyebrow, “What?”

“Regina, you grew up straight, white, hot, and rich. You hit the lottery. So, of course, you want to dance! You’re surrounded by people who want to screw you.”

She crossed her arms, “Calm down, Janis.”

“I don’t want to dance in front of people who would have bullied me in high school and you’re too ashamed to touch me.”

Regina looked to the floor, pressing her heel into the ground.

“If you want me to be confident then hold my hand.”

Tyler and Gretchen interrupted their conversation, Grectehn laughing as she watched the two of them. “You two are always having the most intense whisper conversations.”

“Are you two a thing? No offense.” Tyler said, motioning with his hands.

Gretchen hit his arm off of her, “Stop, Tyler. But seriously, is there something going on?”

Janis looked at her, her eyes seemingly pleading for Regina to say something. “Um, no, obviously not.” 

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

The words rang in her head.  _ Obviously not. _ Of course, why is she surprised anymore? Her head hurt from all the people talking and laughing. She looked to Regina again, trying to get her to correct herself, but the blonde only gave her a fake confused look.

She sighed, “Um, I’m gonna go. Yeah, I’m gonna go.” She pushed through the crowds of people and out of the house, putting directions into her phone and starting her walk.

Luckily it didn’t take long before she showed up at Betsy’s house, knocking on the door. The older woman opened it, smiling wide at her.

“Hey, Betsy um I’ve had-”

She was cut off, a common occurrence. “Oh darling, thank you!” Kind arms wrapped her in a warm hug and she fell into it, sighing softly.

“What for?”

The woman didn’t answer her instead ushering her inside. She looked around, nothing seemed to be different but then she landed on it. Right at the table was Cady. She was shocked for a moment before she collected herself. “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to crash.”

Betsy waved her off, “It’s fine darling! Caddy- oh sorry, Cady and I have just been catching up. No pressure or anything, just talking. And she told me she talked to you.”

Janis sat, nodding, “Yeah she came to one of my gigs.”

“I did, she’s funny.”

“Wow, this is… This is amazing.” Betsy seemed to be crying, wiping at her eyes with her hands. Janis just nervously fidgeted with the table cloth. “Ah, excuse me, I must seem insane. But uh, Janis! Janis, how are you?”

“I’m okay. I’m fine…” She sighed, “Can I stay with you guys tonight though?”

Betsy immediately nodded, “Of course, darling! Oh, we can have a slumber party.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She stumbled into the large dining room, taking a shot of…. something, she wasn’t sure. Her mind was foggy and she didn’t mind, she wanted to forget. An arm went around her shoulder and she groaned, feeling Kevin’s drunk, hot breath come against her ear. 

“I like you, so much. So date me, Regina George.”

She nearly gagged and pushed him off of her, “Screw off.”

Her eyes landed on Tyler and some of his friends tossing another into the air and catching him. She smiled at the sight, “Do me! Lift me!”

The three of them set down the one they were tossing before and walked over to her, grabbing her up. There was some kind of countdown and then she was in the air, going up, then down, up then down. She felt like she was going to puke, but wasn’t about to say anything. Because even though she felt sick to her stomach, she also felt like she was on cloud nine.

Another toss went and she was in the air again, but instead of landing back in strong arms, she landed hard onto a table, a glass table to be specific. There was a loud shriek and she couldn’t tell if it was her or someone else. She tried to sit up but couldn’t, she looked to her sides and noticed her arms. Her bleeding arms. Then another shriek came, that one was definitely hers. She shut her eyes tight as more and more screams came.

She could hear Gretchen’s voice yelling at someone on the phone, and she hoped they had called an ambulance. By the time she opened her eyes, she was on a stretcher, being moved very fast under fluorescent lights.

“Regina, babe, it’s gonna be alright.”

Her eyes landed on a very blurry figure that resembled Gretchen, “Is it bad?”

“You’re covered in blood, Regina! Yes, it’s bad!”

She held back a sob, feeling delirious and sick, “Can you call Janis?”

“Who?”

“The girl with the funny hair! Her contacts in my phone.”

The stretcher pace picked up and she could see Gretchen begin to leave her view. “Call Janis!”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

Laughter erupted as they looked at old pictures Betsy had of Cady. “This one is you at about 7 wearing a suit. You were always so serious.”

Janis smiled, “You look like Ronald Reagan.”

“She refused to wear dresses, no matter how much I asked.”

“That’s cause I knew I was gay since I was like 4.”

Betsy nodded, “That you did, darling. Ah, who wants a drink! How about gin, gin for the girls.”

When no one responded she sighed, “Or tea. Yeah, tea will do.” She disappeared out of the living room.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

Janis looked up at Cady, “Um, she’s fine.”

“Betsy told me about her…”

“Oh?”

She sighed, “I’ve dated many girls like Regina. Trust me when I tell you she’s straight and wasting your time. You should be with someone who knows what they're doing.”

Janis adjusted herself, “Our sex life is just fine, thank you.”

“I don’t mean sex. I mean her shame is rubbing off on you.”

“I don’t want to go home.”

Cady’s hand fell onto her thigh, “So don’t.”

She pulls out her phone, trying to get rid of this weird feeling, and she realizes she has multiple missed calls and texts. How the hell didn’t she hear them. She scrolls through the messages, all from Regina.

_ Hello!? Emergency!! - Gretchen _

_ Pick up your phone! _

_ Regina in hospital!! _

_ She wants you!!  _

_ HELP! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping to wrap up this series by the end of this week maybe. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	7. Amends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step nine of the 12 step program.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is slightly longer than normal I apologize.
> 
> tw // drug mentions, slight homophobia, toxic parent relationship, and some other non-specific but could be triggering stuff so be aware

“I have to go.”

Cady gave her a puzzled look, “What?”

“My girlfriends in the hospital.”

Janis has never run as fast as she has at that moment. Each step she took hurt the longer she went on and her eyes began to sting both from the wind and the tears pulling at them. She was huffing by the time she pushed through the hospital doors, going to the nurses’ station.

“My girlfriend is here.”

The man behind the counter looked over her questioningly, as if wondering if she was insane. Janis stuck her hands on her head, trying to catch her breath.

“Name?”

“Regina.” A deep breath. “George.”

He nodded and typed something on a computer, sighing before looking back up to Janis. “Room 302, right down the hall.”

She smiled politely at him and as fast as she could walked to the room, barreling through the door where she came to a sudden stop at the sight of 3 people surrounding a small hospital bed. They all turned towards her and she recognized them, Tyler, Kevin, and Gretchen.

“Hi.”

A woman in blue scrubs looked at her, “Who are you?”

“Um, I’m a friend,” she winced, “yeah, a friend of Regina’s.”

Gretchen nodded at the nurse in approval and she seemed to accept it.

Janis sighed, “Is she gonna be okay?”

“We’ve given her morphine so she’ll be in no pain-”

A small voice cut her off, “Hello?”

Everyone's eyes darted to the bed where Regina groggily stirred, opening her eyes slowly. Janis moved a bit closer, standing in between the tall Tyler and the shorter, more scrawny Kevin.

“Baby, you came!”

Regina was definitely high. Janis could tell not just by the way her voice drawled, or how she could barely keep her eyes open. But by the fact that she just called her  _ baby  _ in front of her friends. Janis swallowed and smiled shyly, trying to skip over the pet name.

“Hey.”

“Awh you come to see me!” Regina’s voice wavered, almost like she was gonna cry. “Come here.” She made grabby hands and Janis couldn’t help but comply.

She made her way over to the bed, sitting on the edge near Regina’s legs. She took her arms in her hands, looking at the bandages that wrapped them. “Oh, I’m sorry, Reg… I should have been there.”

Her girlfriend shook her head, “It’s okay…” Her head dropped slightly and she looked back up with a jolt, her eyes sad. “Oh, I’m so sorry, love. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

Time must have frozen.

No one moved a single inch, Janis, out of fear, and her friends out of shock. She looked at Regina with panicked eyes but the girl seemed unfazed. “I’m not gonna hide you in a closet anymore.”

There was some snickering behind them, Janis didn’t dare speak.

“Hand me my bag. Nurse, hand me my bag.”

The woman complied and handed Regina her purse, the girl quickly dove in and pulled out a strap on. Janis quickly grabbed it back and stuffed it back in the bag. There was more laughter. “Janis! No longer will I hide us. I’m gonna fuck you right here with the strap on, no longer will we be in the closet.”

“Regina you’re getting lost in the metaphor…”

This made her girlfriend really cry, her face contorting as she let the sobs rack her body. Janis sighed, wiping the tears away from her cheek.

“Oh, come on, don’t cry.”

“I’m such an idiot, Jan, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.”

Regina’s hands fell onto Janis’s cheeks, cupping her face softly. “You are so beautiful. I have such a beautiful girlfriend.” Then their lips connected, Janis didn’t protest at first but quickly pulled back, Regina clearly wasn’t in her right mind.

When she looked behind them her friends were no longer there. The door swinging closed behind them. She looked back to Regina who was now laid all the way back, mouth open slightly and a small snore coming from her. She smiled softly at the sight and stood from the bed, making her way to the other side of the bed and laying down, wrapping her arms around Regina.

They laid like that for a while, but Janis couldn’t fall asleep. She’d never been a fan of hospitals, too many bad experiences. She sighed and flipped so she was laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. A lot had happened, Regina technically just came out, she apologized… Though none of it happened when she was sober.

Would it have happened if she’d never gotten hurt?

No, she couldn’t think like that. Regina wasn’t… ashamed of her? Right?

Her head hurt bad, the ringing which she hadn’t heard in a while filled her ears. Making her close her eyes tight in a desperate attempt to rid herself of it. Regina shifted and she looked over, her eyes wandering until they landed on the small table next to the bed, a small green pillbox laying on top of it.

The ringing seemed to slow when she looked at it. Almost as if it was telling her something.

No! No, she couldn't.

It’s been years.

She’s worked too hard.

She looked away, back at the ceiling and the ringing increased, becoming almost painful. She stood from the bed, taking off her jacket. It was hot. God, it was so hot. She took a breath, then another, then another. Hyperventilating? Of course.

Her eyes wandered to the box again and she walked around the bed, standing right in front of it. Shaky hands reached for it and she pulled out the small pill packaging, counting how many were in it. 

5 rows of 3.

She’s been having trouble sleeping. Maybe if she just took one tray, used them sparingly.

Yeah, yeah! That’s reasonable. She’s not an addict anymore so what’s the deal if she takes some medicine every now and then to sleep.

She slipped the box back to where it belonged and walked back, picking up her jacket from the floor and sticking the tray into its pocket.

The ringing stopped.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

The past few days Regina has barely been awake. And if she is awake she’s barely coherent, simply mumbling small  _ I love you’s  _ and asking for food. Janis has never left her side of course, spending the days and nights with her, changing her bandages. So she feels slightly bad when on Wednesday she has to leave for a meeting, kissing a half-awake Regina goodbye and walking to the community center. The past few days have also been filled with a tray of pills burning a hole in her jacket pocket. Though she'd rather not think about that.

Her mother had called when she was halfway there, her stoic face coming across the facetime screen. “Hi, mom.”

“Hi, Janis. How are you, we haven’t talked in forever.”

She sighs, “It’s just been busy here. Regina got hurt so I’ve been spending the days with her, taking care of her.”

“Regina got hurt? Oh my! Well, that’s horrible. How is she?”

“She’s doing better. The doctor said she should start being more aware and stuff now that the head injury is a bit better.”

“Hm, well I’m wishing her well.”

“What about you? What are you up to?”

Her mother sighed, “Oh just scattering Fluffy’s ashes in the ocean.”

“What!? Mom! Fluffy’s dead? Why didn’t you tell me? He was my dog!”

“Oh please,” she scoffed, “you never made an effort with Fluffy and he knew that. I mean, do you even know what his favorite color was?”

“What?”

“Exactly.”

“Wait- Ocean? Where even are you?”

“We’re in Blackpool.”

Her eyes went wide and she stopped in her tracks, “Blackpool? As in the UK? You’re in the UK and you didn’t even tell me?”

The camera panned and her father's face came into view as well as the ocean, she sighed as the camera went back to her mother. “Well, Janis, we don’t have to report our every move to you. Here talk to your father.”

The phone was handed over and her father smiled at her, “You know, he never said this, but I think Fluffy always had something of a connection to the UK. I remember I was making a cup of tea once and he dipped his paw in, almost smiling at me.”

“So that's why you brought his ashes here? Because he dipped his paw in a cup of tea?”

“Yes.”

She scoffed, “I just can’t believe you’re here and didn’t tell me.”

Her mother came back into the frame, “We are adults, we don’t have to tell you everything.”

“You know what? I’m coming to Blackpool, so just wait to do the ashes alright? I’m coming.”

She hung up the phone and walked faster to the community center.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“Look, I understand. When I was a teen, I behaved horribly.” She paced in the small spot in front of her chair. “But so did they! Like once, my mother accused me of stealing one of her decorative fruits and I never touched those fruits!”

She sighed, “And they kicked me out! Out into the streets, all alone! I was just a kid.” She sat down.

Ron nodded, thinking something over. “Now would be a good time to engage in step nine.”

“What’s step nine? Do I have to shave my head completely or something? Cause I already took a risk with the buzzed side and someone just recently told me it was funny, so not feeling great about it.”

Betsy chuckled next to her.

“Step nine is when you direct amends to those who we harmed while using. We use a 12-step script to properly apologize.”

Betsy turned to her, “Ya know, Jan, I think that technically me and Caddy-” She stopped, correcting herself. “Me and Cady did step nine because I apologized for every single screw up."

“Okay, but what did Cady say when you apologized?”

“She cried and hugged me then something amazing happened. She apologized to me for shutting me out!”

Janis clapped her hands together “Cool! Yes! That’s awesome.”

Ron interjected, “Okay but it’s not about getting something. It’s more-”

He was cut off by Sonja, “When I made amends with my sister-”

“Sorry, Sonja, can I just ask… is this a true story?”

“No.”

“Alright go ahead.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She stood outside the community center, holding a bag of cookies in her hand. She kept subconsciously rubbing the bandages, stopping herself when it began to hurt too much. She was nervous for no reason, well, that’s not true, there was a reason.

Her phone was filled with unread messages from her friends.

_ Gretchen: Is there something you need to tell me? _

_ Tyler: YOU’RE GAY? _

_ Kevin: So it’s not because I’m unattractive? _

_ Kevin (again): Threesome? _

She didn’t want to open them, too afraid. So instead she woke up, showered, got dressed and went for a small run. Then she got some cookies and decided to surprise Janis. She knew her meeting would be over soon, but time couldn’t go by fast enough.

Suddenly she was aware of another person next to her, she turned to see a slightly familiar face. A shorter red-head wearing a white t-shirt tucked into navy pants, she was staring at Regina. “You’re Regina.”

She nodded, “Um, yes.”

“I’m Cady.”

“Right! Betsy’s daughter?”

Cady nodded and Regina looked at what she was holding, a container with a cake in it. Now she was slightly insecure of her little cookies. “You’re exactly how I pictured you.”

“Nice.” She did a double-take. “Wait what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hi, mum.” Instead of answering her, Cady greeted the older woman coming out of the building, Janis came behind them, smiling at Cady.  _ Ouch _ .

“Sweetheart!” Betsy came down the steps. “Oh, what's this?”

“A cake.”

Janis gawked, “You made this?”

“Yes I love my mum so I made her a cake.”

Janis nodded and turned to Regina, smiling wider than she did at Cady, and for some reason that gave her a sense of pride. “Hi, babe.”

“Hi! I um, brought you cookies.”

Janis smiled even more and took the bag, “Yes. I love these.” 

Betsy cut in, “Wait, is this Regina?”

She nodded, “Hi.”

“Oh, darling! I’ve heard so much about you!” They hugged and Regina felt awkward for a moment but melted into the older woman's’ warm embrace.

She heard Janis say something about texting Cady later before the older woman let go of her and the mom and daughter duo walked off. Regina smiled and waved to them before turning to Janis.

“You got out of bed!”

“Who’s that hot red-head and why is she texting you?”

Janis gave her a puzzled look before starting to walk, Regina following suit. “That’s Betsy's daughter.”

“Well, I know that! But why is she texting you?”

Janis laughed softly, “Don’t get mad at me for answering your question.”

Regina sighed.

“I think she has a crush on me.”

Her eyes went wide, “Oh really?’

“Yes, but listen. I’m going to Blackpool right now.”

Her eyes went wider, “Blackpool?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I thought we could stay in today! Maybe bake a pie! I like cranberry what about you?”

Janis grabbed her shoulders and stopped her, “Just get this: my parents are here.”

“What?”

“Yeah, my parents are in Blackpool and they didn’t tell me so I’m gonna go down there and apologize for being a drug addict.” She stuck her hands in her jacket pockets and began to walk again. Regina sped up to catch up with her.

“What? Jan... Janis! Wait! Jan!”

It was the last yell of her name that finally got Janis’ attention. She sighed and threw her hands up. “Hello? Remember me? Your girlfriend who accidentally came out to her friends while she was high and injured? If you think I’m letting you leave me now you’re sorely mistaken.”

Janis’s face softened and she quickly warped Regina into a hug. She sighed softly and hugged back as hard as she could. 

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

Janis picked at the peanuts they were given at the bar they were waiting in. The whole train ride over they never let each other go once, Regina wouldn't let her. And it kept her calm, until now. She’s not too sure why she’s so nervous, it’s just her parents/ Oh, well that’s an answer to her own question.

“Hey, you okay?”

She looked up to Regina, “I’m nervous.”

“Nervous? Why?”

“I just really want them to like me.”

Regina laughed, “Like you? Jan, they love you! You guys talk on the phone all the time and get on so well.”

“That’s because of the UA. The Unspoken Agreement that we never speak about the years of my life between ages 14 and 25.”

The last time they had spoken about those years it ended with her mother crying, a hole in the wall and her father stuck in a tree. Since then they never have, and never want to, speak about those 11 years of her life. 

Regina sighed, nodding, “Oh, well I hope they like me.”

“Oh, they’re gonna love you. They love all my girlfriends.” 

Regina looked like she was about to say something but Janis stopped her before she could, “Look the only real rule is do not disagree with my mother on anything. Doesn’t matter what it is. She will take it as a challenge to her dominance.”

Almost as if on cue, Janis spotted her mother through the glass door. She sighed, wiping her hands on a napkin. “There she is.”

Regina turned and spotted her, “Let’s get on out there.”

“Yeah! Yeah, okay.” 

They both stood and opened the door, Janis plastering on a slightly fake smile. “Hi, mom.”

The woman turned and looked at her, smiling back. Janis hesitated a moment before going in for a hug, however, her mother stopped her, holding her arms. “ _ Alien they seemed to be. No mortal eye could see, the intimate welding of their history. _ ”

Janis nodded absently before her mother let her give her a proper hug, “Did you write that?”

Regina cut in, “It’s a Thomas Hardy poem.”

They both looked at Regina in surprise but her mother smiled wide after a moment, “Yes!” Her mother turned towards her, “Ah, Regina.” They hugged. “Your chin…”

“What?”

“Where’s dad?”

Her mother let go of Regina’s shoulders, “Oh he’s getting me a water.”

“Did I hear my name?”

Janis turned and smiled, giving her dad a big hug. “Hi, dad!”

“Hey, bee.” He let go and looked at Regina. “Finally we are meeting Regina!” He stuck his hand out and they awkwardly shook before her father sighed at the sight of the wraps. “Oh, what happened?”

“Oh, I fell through the table.”

“Hm, good for you.”

She laughed softly, “Thanks.”

“Alright, guys! We must go.” They started their walk, her mother explaining their plans as they did.

They needed to drop their bags at the Airbnb, lunch at 1, the ashes ceremony at 3. Apparently, they had quite the time ahead of them and her mother wanted to be asleep by 7:30.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“I’m gonna do it now.”

They’ve been in the Airbnb for about 30 minutes now, Regina and Janis had gone and sat on the couch, keeping to themselves and her parents had done the same in the kitchen.

“What?”

“I’m gonna apologize now.” 

She stood and moved over before Regina could say anything else, clearing her throat. “Guys, hey. So um, I’m doing step nine of the 12 step program. And it’s… well, um.” She’s fumbling. “Look, I just have an apology.”

She took the small paper out of her pocket and unfolded it, “As you know, I am an addict.” She heard her mother murmur an  _ oh, Jesus,  _ but ignored it, continuing on. “As part of my recovery from addiction, I need to make amends to those I have wronged. I have wronged you, and therefore owe you amends.”

There was silence.

“Amends accepted.” It was her mother that spoke, clear and concise, leaving no room for any question. “Now, let's walk to the restaurant. Regina, you’re walking with me.” 

Her girlfriend stood up, grabbing her coat from off a chair and turning to Janis, giving her a quick thumbs up and a smile before she walked out. Janis however couldn’t move. That wasn’t all, right? There was more to this conversation to be had.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They all sat at the table, Regina to Janis’ left, her mother right in front of her, and her father across from Regina. She felt weird the entire walk over and that wasn’t going away. They need to address this. “Ya know, in my support group, one of the things they said is that everyone feels better if they address the elephant in the room.”

Her mother laughed, “Everyone feels better or you feel better?”

“Well-”

“She’s always had such an addictive personality. No clue where she gets it from.”

“Deb, that’s quite a bit of wine,” Regina said.

“There’s never too much wine.” Her mother sighed and finished pouring herself quite a big glass, setting the wine bottle down.

“Okay, well, Janis’ comedy is going so well. She’s so good.” 

Her mother nodded, “Yes, well, John and I are both extremely comedic so it’s no surprise.”

Janis scoffed, looking at Regina. “I get my good qualities from my parents and the bad ones are a mystery.”

“Regina, we love you.” Her father said that out of nowhere, taking a sip from his water.

“Woah.”

“Yes, now don’t go kicking her aside as you did with Dawn.” Her mother chimed in, “Or Sharon.”

Her father hummed in agreement, “Oh! Or Caitlyn. You see the minute we start to get attached they’re gone like that. Like… smoke in the wind.”

She needed to stop this conversation. She stood, holding up her water glass. “I have a toast. To um, finally being together after three years and finally talking about the past-”

Her mother stood, “I have a toast. To Fluffy, the reason we are all here.”

Now her father was standing. “A toast to Regina. It’s been a pleasure getting to know you over the past… 40? minutes. Uh, Regina do you have a toast?”

The blonde looked to Janis before hesitantly standing, “Um… to the sea. As Neruda said,  _ I need the sea because it teaches me _ .”

Wow, she’s such an English teacher.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They stood on the sand, her mother holding the jar of ashes. It was surprisingly hot, or maybe it was her nerves. She adjusted the collar of her shirt as her father played  _ Oh Come All Ye Faithful  _ on his phone. She thought it was a weird choice in song but dare not say anything. Eventually, the song stopped and her mother sighed.

“Before we send him off, would anyone like to say a few words about Fluffy?”

“I would!” She took a small step forward, “Um, Fluffy, you were such a cool guy, and I am so very thankful that we are all here today to celebrate the wonderful life you led. Uh, as you may know, Fluffy, I wasn’t able to spend a lot of my time with you because there were so many years where I was cruelly cut off from the family and-”

“Thank you, Janis. Now, let’s take a 20-minute silence, where we can all think about Solomon and the joy he brought to our lives.” 

Everyone’s head dropped and Janis groaned. 20 minutes?

She shuffled her feet in the sand, Regina peered up at her, raising an eyebrow and mouthing something along the lines of  _ Are you okay?  _ She mouthed back,  _ This is bullshit.  _ After what felt like forever (2 minutes) she went up and took the jar of ashes from her mothers' hands, dumping them on the ground where they fell into a pile, staying still.

“I thought they would be taken by the wind…” 

Her mother turned and started walking, her father quickly ran ahead to catch up with her, leaving the other couple behind. Regina walked up to Janis, sighing. “You need to take it easy, babe. They clearly aren’t ready to talk about this stuff and it’s slightly awkward for me.”

“Yeah well if you love someone you put in the work even if it’s awkward.”

“Oh yeah? Is that what you did with Dawn and Caitlyn and Sharon?” Regina slowed down slightly, “Who are you texting?”

“Cady.” She sighed, “I’m going to talk with my mother.”

She took off, catching up with her parents, taping her father on the shoulder, and motioning for him to leave. He did so reluctantly and she huffed, “I would like to have a discussion with you.”

“Janis-”

“Why did you kick me out?”

Her mother rolled her eyes, “We didn’t kick you out, we asked you to leave. There’s a difference.”

“Really? Okay, but after that, all of these years, where were you?”

“I am not talking about this Janis.” They walked a bit longer in silence until her mother sighed. “Fine, where should we start? How about the part where we gave you everything you wanted and you threw it all away to chase some high?”

“Okay, but people don’t just become addicts! They’re running from something, so what was I running from?”

Her mother groaned, “I am not letting you play the victim! You are not a victim, Janis, you are a privileged little girl. Take some responsibility for the choices you made. You were a drug dealer, a criminal! You threatened us, stole from us, overdosed. You always do exactly what you want so don’t come blaming me if what you want isn’t making you happy.”

She doesn’t know what to say.

“Are you on drugs, Janis?”

That all too familiar ringing again. How perfect.

“What?”

“I’m going to talk with your father.”

And with that, her mother turned around and started walking back to where her girlfriend and father were, quite a bit a ways behind them but still walking. She simply stood there, baffled.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She looked up to see Deborah making her way back to them, she quirked her head when she stood in front of them, making both of them stop. “Deb? Where’s Janis?”

“Regina, you don’t really know her, ya know?”

“I think I do… Look, Janis loves you, Deb!”

“Janis doesn’t love people, Janis loves the idea of love itself. The dates, the titles, the whole shebang… It doesn’t matter who  _ you _ are, Regina. You’re just the mirror that she’s holding up to herself, do you get it?”

Regina shook her head. “That’s not fair.”

The man next to her sighed, “Well there is a type.”

“A type?”

“Heterosexual,” Deb said. “She likes the chase and when it wears off there’s already another waiting in the wings. Tell me, have you come out yet?”

“Well, I just told some of my friends.”

Deb scoffed, nodding, “I give it another month.”

“Um, I think I’m gonna go for a walk… somewhere else.”

She turned from the group, not sure where exactly she’s gonna go. But she finds herself walking into a bar, and as she looks around she realizes it is very much a gay bar. Which is fine! Because she’s gay, so she’s allowed her, she should be here. 

The place is all but empty, with a pretty girl behind the bar. A soft song plays faintly in the background and she sighs, sitting at the bar.

“What can I get you?”

“Hi, can I get a double gin and tonic, please?”

The woman nods and proceeds to start making her drink.

“So… Do you hang around here a lot?” She catches her mistake. “Sorry, of course, you do, you work here. And if you work here you’re gonna talk to me, it’s like part of your job, you don’t just sit behind the bar for free.”

The woman laughs softly, “Relax. It’s a friendly place here.”

“Right, right! Yeah, no, I mean, I belong here. I have a girlfriend!”

The drink is set in front of her, “You have a very stressful energy.” The woman proceeds to start to walk away.

“Wait, can I ask you a question?”

“Mm-hmm.” She makes her way back to in front of Regina.

“Is it… usual for gay girls to go for straight girls and then just… dump them?”

The bartender sighs, thinking the question over. “Well it happens, but the only reason I can think of to chase people who aren’t attracted to your entire gender is because you hate yourself. It’s almost masochistic. Why do you ask?”

“Ah, no reason…”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

Janis and her father walk side by side on the boardwalk, staying quiet as they watched the sunset. “Where’s mom gone off to?”

“The arcade, I think she’s cooling down.”

“Hm.”

He sighs, peeling off to go sit on a bench. “You two are so similar.”

Janis follows and sits next to him, “Me and mom? No way.”

“Yes, way. You’re both extremely passionate and you wear your hearts on your sleeves… You’re impulsive, stubborn women.”

She laughs softly, “She doesn’t even like me.”

“When you left home, bee, your mother followed you every day. She parked outside of the horrid hotel you were staying in, watched you selling drugs in the park. She knew your every move.”

She looks up at the sky, sighing, “She was so angry, dad. Then you guys kicked me out and-”

“Well, Janis, we didn’t know what else to do! It’s not easy, you know,” he put his arm around her shoulder. “Being a parent is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. And yeah, if I could go back and change things I would, and I know your mother would as well.” He stood from his seat after giving her a quick squeeze. “I should go find your mother.”

“Yeah, gotta cheer her on while she beats a 10-year-old at  _ Need for Speed _ .”

He laughed, “And I think a wonderful young lady needs you as well.”

She sighed, “I’m sure Regina’s fine.”

“Well, she told us that she’d recently come out. And now she’s alone in uncharted seas, so maybe go find her, yeah?”

She nodded and pulled out her phone, sending Regina a where are you text. The response was almost immediate and she smiled softly. 

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Once Janis picked Regina up from the bar they went for a walk, ending up at some small area over the ocean. Mini beach homes lined up. They walked hand in hand, just being at peace for a moment before Janis needed to break it.

“I don’t want to go back to the Airbnb.”

Regina sighed, “Okay. How about we break into one of these beach huts.” She stopped right in front of one.

“That’s insane and dangerous.”

“Maybe I can be dangerous.” She made her way up the small steps, muttering something under her breath about not being as straight as Janis may think she is. Though Janis didn’t pry into that as Regina managed to get the doors open and they made their way inside.

Regina managed to find some beer and opened a bottle up for herself, then they sat on the bed, just enjoying each others company.

“Do you even think about the others anymore? Your exes?”

Janis sighed, “No, not really.”

“But you were in love with them?”

“Yeah, I was.”

The blonde set her beer down, looking straight into Janis’s eyes. “Then how am I any different?”

She swallowed hard, “You have a massive rack. None of the others did.”

“Janis… Gah, I feel weird. I feel sick.”

“I think you’re feeling vulnerable.”

“Is that what this is? I’m all shaky and sweaty and I feel as though if you’re not holding me I’m just gonna float away and never come back.”

Janis smiled softly, “Yeah that’s it.”

“Ah, I should not have told Gretchen. Now you’re gonna lose interest, I’ve made it too easy.”

She raised a brow, scooting closer to Regina and holding her hand. “What the hell did my mom say to you?”

“I’m gonna be left alone watching  _ The L Word  _ and googling ‘Am I Gay’! And you’re just gonna go find a replacement for me!”

Janis scoffed. 

“I have to go.” She started to stand but Janis shot her down.

“Regina, where are you gonna go? The sea?”

Her tone changed, “I’m not joking. How is this different from the other times?”

She sighed, “I guess… My entire life I’ve felt as though I’m not in the right place, but with you I feel at home, I feel safe and like I’ve finally found where I’m supposed to be. I’ve been with really good people, people who love me but I lie next to them and I feel anxious and there’s…” She laughs quietly, “There’s like a ringing in my ear. But when I lie next to you, I’m quiet and the ringing goes away.”

Regina takes a moment to process it all, before smiling and giving Janis a quick kiss. “I love you, Janis.” She fixes her position and lays her head in Janis’s lap.

“I love you too, Regina.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

The next morning they sat in a small diner, waiting for her parents to arrive. “Maybe I’ll just tell them that they either apologize or I’m done.”

“Jan, you couldn’t force me to tell my friends, I had to do it myself… Though it was an accident and I was on morphine… that doesn’t matter! What I’m saying is, you can’t make them do it if they aren’t ready.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

Her girlfriend sighed, “Maybe try a different approach if you want different results.”

“Thank God!” Her mother's voice sounded and the pair appeared and sat down, “We were so worried when you didn’t come back.”

“Ah, here we are,” Regina said, smiling softly. 

Janis looked over to her mother, “I read a really cool article about black holes. They found a new one. It’s like 12 billion light-years away. I’ll email it to you.”

Her mother smiled and took her hand, “Oh, sweetheart, thank you.”

Maybe Regina was onto something with this different approach. Because as they said their goodbyes Janis was slightly sad. They waved as her parents got on their train. She sighed and turned to Regina. “Thanks.”

“Anytime. Now, let’s figure out which train we need to catch, yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos always appreciated.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	8. Cycle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When everything falls apart, who's going to be there for you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow wow. Okay, this is way longer than I wanted it to be but I wanna wrap this up so, I hope you enjoy.
> 
> tw // relapse, drug use, sexual jokes, attempted sexual assault, some homohpbia, gender identity struggles, etc

“Okay, guys! Everyone take their seats.” Ron said, clapping his hands together before taking a clipboard off his chair. “Welcome to our first friends and family meeting.”

Everyone clapped and took their seats, Janis wiped her hands on her pants, bouncing her leg up and down unconsciously. Regina seemed nervous too, fidgeting the ring on her finger.

“So, who’s this?”

Of course, he’d start with them.

Janis looked over to Regina who smiled politely, “Oh, I’m Regina.”

“Welcome, Regina! We’ve heard a lot about you.”

That was awkward.

The introductions went along, Betsy brought Cady, Carr brought his… accountant, Sonja brought her sister, and Tina brought her husband, shocking everyone in the group. Janis wonders if he knows about the nine other men in her life.

Ron cleared his throat and sat down. “So, this group focuses on drug use, but through our discussions, Janis particularly has widened our term of addiction to include any behavior that an addict craves and finds relief in but can not give up despite the negative consequences it brings in their day to day life.”

“How can I help my wife?” The man next to Tina says rather loudly, before sighing when he realizes everyone stares at him. “Sorry, sorry.”

“That’s fine... Um, Tina how does your husband help you?”

The other woman sighs, “I suppose just him being there. It doesn’t matter how much I yell at him or how badly I treat him, he’s always there.”

“That’s lovely.”

There’s a loud scoff and Janis turns her attention to Cady, “Sorry, no, that’s not lovely. He’s enabling her, he’s an enabler.”

Betsy swats Cady’s arm, “Sorry, Cady’s had a rough go of it.”

Ron motions for her to continue.

“Okay, fine. Uh, once when she was a child I came to pick her up at school and may have accidentally taken another child home.”

Janis covers her mouth to stop the laugh that threatened to come out.

“I did genuinely think it was Cady! I brought him home and I cooked him dinner, it was… an ordeal.”

“He was 8 years old and I was 13 at the time.” Cady deadpans.

“Cady cut me off when she was 16, but I’m slowly earning back her trust, right, darling?”

Her daughter reaches over and grabs her mother's hand, giving it a small squeeze. “Yeah, I’m in it for the long haul now.” There’s a small pause before Cady turns to where Regina and Janis sit. “Regina? How about you, are you in it for the long haul?”

“Pardon?”

Ron nods, “Yes, Regina, how do you support your addict?”

“Hold on- Her addict? What am I, a possession?”

There’s a little bit of laughter, and Regina stutters over her words. Ron looks expectant and Janis nearly chokes after Regina says, “I bought a strap on and pay for all of our ubers.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

“What is wrong with me?”

They stood side by side, walking along the sidewalk. Janis laughed, “Don’t sweat it, babe, no one really cares.”

“I can’t believe it.”

Janis gave her a side hug, “Thank you so much for coming.”

Her girlfriend hugs back, “Yeah well, it’s my job.” She lets out a breath, “I mean ‘long haul’ what exactly does that mean? I say you take it day by day, no one knows the future. We’re young! We have our entire lives ahead of us.”

Janis shrugs, “I mean we aren’t that young. We’re older than most waiters.”

“That’s very funny, you know, you should be a comedian.”

“Oh really should I?”

Regina laughs, “Yeah you should.”

“Well lucky for you I actually am, and speaking of I’ve got to go. Gotta go see some new big shot who’s doing a weekend gig.”

Regina nodded and they kissed goodbye.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Glen, Shane, and Janis all stared at the magazine. The new guy's name was Tim Sloane and from his picture, he looked like a sleazebag. She read the lettering on the pages, “Oh! He’s got a tour to promote, that’s why he’s in this dump.”

Damian glared at her from across the room.

“Not that I don’t love it here!”

They all laughed and Shane took the magazine from her, “He’s probably looking for an opener!”

Glen gawked, “Janis if you go on before me and bum everyone out by talking about your mental health and relationship problems I swear I will never forgive you.”

“Oh thanks for the vote of confidence, Glen, have a great show.”

“I will.”

They all looked up when Damian cleared his throat. “Guys, this is Tim.”

Gah, he looked even more sleazy in person. They all shook his hand and Janis wiped the nasty feeling of him off on her pants. 

Tim sized them all up. “Wow, two frat boys and some sort of… rejected muppet? Yeah.” He turned to Damian. “Really pulled out the stops didn’t you?”

“Tim! Hey, yeah, man I’m a big fan.” Glen said, “I hope you get a chance to see my set, it’s a lot of uh, sex-based material.”

“Yes, as a recovering sex addict I’m sure I’ll love your sex jokes.” He turned and looked at Shane, smiling condescendingly. “I’m sure you make jokes about the legalization of marijuana. Really fulfilling society's expectations.”

Janis rolled her eyes, “Dude you talk way too much.”

Jason looked at her.

“As that your thing? You just never stop saying words?”

He laughed, “Yeah I keep all of my words next to my Teen Choice Award.”

“Yes because teens are such good acting critics.”

He came way too close for her liking but she stayed still, not wanting to give him power over her. “I bet you make jokes about the beauty of the gender spectrum… so fresh, so current.”

She chuckled, “Do you remember what that feels like? To be current?”

He took a step back, “I like you!” His hand patted her on the shoulder before guiding her away, “Show me around, yeah?” Before they left the back room, he turned to Damian. “I like this muppet.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Janis laid in bed, Regina next to her. She pushed her girlfriend off of her a few minutes ago, getting extremely hot and needing some air. All-day she’s felt off, the meeting threw her off. She kept thinking about how Regina didn’t answer if she was in it for the long haul. She looked over to the blonde.

“Regina.”

There was a small stirring before the girls' eyes opened slightly, looking over to Janis. “What?”

“If we broke up, would you still date girls? Or would you go back to just guys?”

Regina made some kind of incoherent noise, “Boys, I think.” Her voice was groggy as she said it. “You’re the only girl I like.”

And with that, her eyes closed again, and Janis listened as her breaths became slower and even. She sighed and stared back up at the ceiling, her head hurt like hell. She turned and reached for where she threw her jacket on the floor earlier, reaching into the pocket and grabbing out the pill tray.

She waited a moment for the onslaught of ringing, but nothing came. No, instead it was deathly silent, as though she had lost her hearing. She hadn’t taken a pill yet, never felt like it. But her fingers glided over the little pockets, staring at the circles. Barely aware of herself she popped one out, staring at it a moment before sticking it in her mouth and turning over, grabbing the water from her nightstand and drinking it.

She stuck the tray back and sighed, adjusting herself before closing her eyes. Maybe now she’d finally get a decent night's sleep.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

Aaron smiled at the toddler a few feet away from him, making silly faces and Janis just watched in both amusement and disgust. She looked to Regina, “Why is he so good with kids?”

Regina just shrugged and Janis sighed, looking at the toddler who was now staring at her. She waved and his face quickly morphed into one where he looked like he was going to cry, Janis looked away.

“Can we get the bill please?” Regina said and the waitress came over and stuck the receipt on the table.

“Oh, I’ll get it. I’ll also pay for the kid and his moms' stuff.” Janis looked at the kid and did a small magic trick she learned a few years back, making her credit card appear out of thin air. The kid laughed and she felt a strange sense of pride. She handed the card over and the waitress disappeared.

“Wow, that was incredible.” Aaron said, “I mean, I’m impressed.”

Regina laughed softly, “What was that?”

“Oh, just something I picked up a while back.”

The waitress reappeared and set her card back down along with the bill, “I’m sorry, sir but your card was declined.”

Janis didn’t think anything of the sir, simply letting it bounce off. She was in a beanie and a large hoodie, it’s not like she took any offense, nor was she surprised. Regina however did speak up, “She’s a girl.”

She snapped back to the comment of her card being declined, “Wait. Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t know why that is.”

“It’s fine, I’ll get it.” She handed the waitress her card and Janis sank into her seat, ashamed.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

Janis had left to go to a meeting, leaving just Aaron and herself alone in the house. Aaron sat up on the counter knitting a sweater. She sighed as she put the milk back, “Aaron, have you noticed that Jan’s been acting… weird lately?”

“Yeah! This morning she asked me to spar with her. She’s freaking out or something.”

“Hm. Like two days ago at the diner, she was all weird with that kid and his mom. And then yesterday I told her about my co-worker who was pregnant and she got all weird.”

Aaron nodded, “I hope you and Janis have a baby right here in this place.”

Regina sighed, used to Aaron’s weird comments by now. “It’s not that simple though is it, girls don’t just have babies on their own.”

“Oh yeah, they do! You better start saving up for IVF though, stuff is crazy-expensive. But you know what you don’t have to save up for? Sperm.” He pointed to himself.

“Aaron, we aren’t having a kid with your sperm.”

He looked at her all sad for a moment before nodding, “Alright, but if you are looking to get pregnant you better stop taking this stuff.” He pulled out a small tray of pills.

“What’s that?”

“Your oxycodone. I know your doc said you should take it for pain but don’t trust it, it’s like snakes in your blood.”

She shook her head, “I’m not taking it. I’ve never even seen it before.”

He raised an eyebrow, “But I found it in your coat.” He motioned to the black jacket laying over the side of the couch and Regina felt her heart stop.

“That’s Janis’ coat…” 

They both shared a look. “Holy shit…”

“What do I do!?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know! She’s going through a hard time! Maybe go see her show.”

She nodded, “Yes… yes! Great idea, Aaron.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

She walked into the club after her meeting, sighing at the sight of 3 grown men doing the most disturbing yoga positions. Tim turned to look at her from his position on the ground, “Ah, Janis, come join us.”

“No, I don’t think I will. Don’t have the core strength, ya know, cause I’m a woman.”

Everyone sighed and fell onto the floor, sitting with their legs crossed. “Come tell us about it.”

She came and sat across from Tim, who was actually turning out to be not that big of a sleazebag. She took a breath, “I’m not feeling very secure about my gender right now, because my arms are made of yogurt, my chest is flatter than yours, and my girlfriend wishes I was… well my girlfriend wishes I was Ryan Gosling.”

Tim nodded, “That is so specific. Look, I’ll give you 200 pounds if you write that into a set and do it tonight.”

“Woah. That’s a lot.”

“Earlier before my career took a hit, I was making jokes about airplane food and hot girls. But then I started talking about the real stuff, sobriety, depression… and all of a sudden everyone cared.” He smirked, “Honesty will set you free, Janis.”

“Alright, deal.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

The crowd cheered as Tim finished his set, he smiled. “Alright alright, thank you. Look don’t go anywhere because the next act is gonna be great. She’s a friend of mine and tonight I’ve challenged her to be as honest as possible. Here is, Janis Sarkisian!”

There was scattered applause as she got up on the stage and took the mic from Tim. She took a deep breath and held her notebook in her hand, setting the glass of water she had down. “Hey, guys! Uh, I’m gonna do some new stuff tonight, that alright with you?”

A few yeah’s and cheers came from the crowd.

“Great cause they aren’t even really jokes. So I have, I’m just gonna be blunt, my girlfriend is straight. I have a straight girlfriend. Alright, historically she’s been straight. And I am… tired.”

Laughter, she smiles.

“I am exhausted because I’m basically trying to be what I imagine is her ideal male wet dream all the time. A 90’s heartthrob boy all the time. Like I do so many situps and pushups, I even got a gym membership, and look at me, I am not the type to get a gym membership.” 

More people laugh and the warm and fuzzy feeling she gets when she’s performing comes in 10x more than before, she’s happy and confident for once in her life. “Oh, so this stuff is relatable? I’m not unique? Man. Alright how about this, I think I’m transgender? Or non-binary, whatever the term is. And I think I’ve always felt this way but dating her is not helping.”

“Okay, get ready: so we were having sex-”

She’s cut off but a bunch of cheers mainly from male voices and she rolls her eyes lightly but continues. “So we were having sex and she goes: ‘I want you to come inside me’ and I was like: ‘I physically can’t!’ I think sometimes she forgets I am her girlfriend, not boyfriend.”

Louder laughter.

“I um, I used to have this bright red hoodie. It was my favorite hoodie in the world, wore it every chance I got and I haven’t worn it in six months. Yeah, I’ve regressed back to middle school me and I only wear black now.” 

She sighs, “I don’t wear colors anymore.” She looks down at her clothes, a black hoodie, black pants, and black shoes. “I suppose you may have noticed…”

“But yeah! I don’t wear colors because one day I’m worried she’s gonna come out of the bathroom and be startled if she sees a bright color. She’ll be like: ‘Ah! Wow it’s a girl!’”

She takes a drink of water, clearing her throat lightly. “And the messed up part is that I know all of this. Ya know, I’m certain one day that she’s gonna look over to me and realize that what she wants is simplicity and some 6’8 bodybuilder named Jason.”

“And no, I’m not just making u the name Jason, she actually told all of her friends that she’s dating someone named Jason Ian because she didn’t want to face the reality that she is indeed dating a girl.”

Her head hurts slightly from the loud noise now but she ignores it, continuing. “And this Jason dude she wants doesn’t even have to have a personality, he just has to be kind and simple and full of sperm.” She smiles when they all laugh, “But anyway, I’m gonna go, you have all been so nice.”

She puts the mic back as applause erupts and walks off stage meeting, Tim. They hug lightly and he motions for her to follow him, she does. “Janis, I want you to open for me on tour.”

She gasps, following him into a bathroom. “Woah! Tim, are you serious?”

“Deadly.”

She watches as Tim does something she’s all too familiar with, heading ringing and swaying slightly as she watches him sniff the line of white powder up his nose. She slips into the stall with him, closing the door behind them. “What the hell! Tim! You said you were clean.”

He laughs, “I say a lot of things.”

“But you just said to me honesty will set you free.”

“Speaking of honesty,” he smiles and Janis steps back into the stall door, not enjoying the look in his eyes, “are you a lesbian, Janis?”

“I mean, yeah, I am.”

“Never had a boyfriend?”

She shrugs, “I mean when I was homeless I had a boyfriend named Chris.”

“Oh really? Did you touch Chris? You wanna touch me?”

She swallows the vomit that tries to come up, “No.”

“Ah come on! We’re gonna be touring together and it gets very intimate.” He reaches for her and she opens the stall door, stepping out before he can and walking into the backroom, heading straight for Damian.

“That is a bad man. A very bad man.”

He stands, “What did he do?”

While she explains it to him she can hear Tim come out of the bathroom, looking at Glen and sighing. “Glen! Wanna open on tour for me?”

Glen immediately jolts up, smiling wide, “Hell yeah I do!”

Damian's face grows hard when she finished telling him and he walks over to Tim, “Get out of my club.”

Tim laughs, smiling, “Ah come on, mate. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Damian scoffs, “This is not ridiculous. Trust me, you don’t wanna see me ridiculous. Now get out.”

There’s a moment where Tim looks like he’s about to punch Damian, but nothing happens. He clicks his teeth and turns around, “Place is a dump anyway!”

Glen and Shane go after him, screaming ‘Tim wait’ every five seconds until their voices disappear. Janis turns to Damian, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah I did, dude’s a clown. Oh, I should tell you, Regina was here.”

Her stomach drops, “What? She didn’t see my set did she?”

He nods, sitting, “Yeah, she did.”

She takes off in a full-blown sprint, up the stairs, and out the club doors, heading straight for their apartment. Her head spins and rings and everything hurts by the time she gets there, huffing as she opens the apartment door and walks upstairs. She sighs, seeing Regina on the bed. “Look, those were just jokes.”

Her girlfriend doesn’t look at her, just stares straight ahead at the wall she’s facing. “Jan, I need to ask you something.” Her hands fall to her side and she pulls out a pill of trays, a familiar pill of trays, three of the pills missing.

Janis swallows hard.

“What are these and where did you get them?” Her eyes finally look over to Janis and they lock, fighting each other almost.

“I got them at the hospital, and I’ve taken a few to sleep when I’m anxious.”

She sets the tray down, “I need to ask you something else.” Slowly she stands, stepping so she’s a few feet away from Janis. “Do I make you happy?”

“Well, I’m in love with you.”

Regina shakes her head, “That’s not what I asked you… Does being around me make you feel good about yourself?”

Honesty.

“Like, not really?”

Regina crosses her arms, tears daring to spill from her eyes.

“But who cares? That’s not what being in love is.” She reasons.

“Then what is it then?” Regina raises an eyebrow. “Is it something you crave despite having negative consequences?”

“Regina- That’s not fair.” She moves and sits on the bed, Regina stays standing.

“Is it true what you said? That you don’t wear colors anymore? I mean, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard! I mean is it all my fault?”

“What? Come on.”

“Janis-”

“Okay, is it true that no matter how good I am, it won't be enough?”

“Enough for what? We live together, I’ve told my friends. I’ve changed my life for you!”

“Enough for the long haul, Regina.”

The blonde falls silent.

“No matter how good this is, there’s a time limit on it.”

Regina sighs, “I haven’t even had a moment to think about all that. I mean, yeah I grew up wanting all those things like kids and marriage and-”

Tears sting her eyes, “I want those things too.”

“I know, I know you do, Jan.” Regina finally sits next to her, taking her hands. “You deserve everything. You deserve to be happy and confident.”

“I’m fine, it’s fine.”

“You’re not fine. You’re taking sleeping pills because you’re so anxious that you’re not Ryan Gosling. I mean, what’s next? You start shooting up because I don’t post any pictures of us on Instagram?”

Janis shrugs, scoffing, “Why haven’t you posted any pictures of us on Instagram? You haven’t even liked my posts.”

“I can’t… I can’t do this.”

“Are- Are you breaking up with me?”

Regina hesitates, “I am. I’m sorry, Janis.”

She stands, pacing the room. “Oh, man… But you told me you loved me first! You said it first! It was the peak of my life! You asked me to move in with you!”

Regina stands with her, “Oh, Janis, I know.”

“I’m so embarrassed…”

“Why are you embarrassed?”

She throws her hands up, “Because I let myself believe that someone like me could be with someone like you! Perfect Regina George! Has her whole life together, everythings perfect for you… I’m not the boy you want, I’m not even a girl. I’m a failed version of both.”

Regina shakes her head. 

“Gah I’m such a freak.”

“No, no, Jan, I make you feel that way but you’re 1,000 times better than me.”

“Maybe you’ll name one of your kids after me.”

The blonde runs a hand through her hair, “ I can’t do this, Janis.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“No, I’ll go.” She turns but stops. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Yeah, I’ll go.” She goes into the closet and grabs her bag with stuff she never unpacked in it because of space. 

“Where are you gonna go? Damian's?”

She shrugs, “I don’t know.”

“Janis, Janis, wait can you just come here?” 

She stops for a moment, thinking it all over. She turns and looks at Regina, tears have begun streaming down both of their faces. She sighs and shakes her head before leaving, heading for the only place she can think of.

The door opens and Cady stands in the doorway, sleep mask pulled onto her forehead. She looks at Janis confused before Janis just wraps her in a hug, sobbing softly as the door closed behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter till the end, wow.
> 
> Comments and Kudos always appreciated.
> 
> tumblr: manwithaminivan


	9. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway.
> 
> tw // hard drug use, relapse, just a lot of emotional stuff

Janis woke up to tons of light splashing down on her and a familiar face staring at her, she blinked a few tines. “Cady.”

The red-head smiled, “Janis. My mum wants us to go to a painting class before you guys go to your meeting.”

She sits up, Cady following her and they sit across from each other on the bed. “Um, I think I’m gonna stay in tonight because I am dying.”

Cady scoffs, “You are not dying. Jan it’s been two weeks, Regina is probably off on a date.”

She groans.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Are you ever gonna have sex with me or are we just gonna keep going to sleep in the same bed fully clothed?”

Janis’s mouth goes dry. “I’m so sorry. I think I do want to have sex with you.”

“Wow okay, thanks.”

“No! Look, it’s just I don’t know how it would feel.”

“Why don’t you find out?”

She thinks it over for a moment, “Yeah, alright.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

Someone filmed Janis’s set. Someone filmed the set that slams their relationship and Regina can’t stop watching it. It’s been on repeat for two whole weeks, two whole weeks of hearing people laugh at her. She throws her head back on the couch, sighing as she mouths along to the set.

“Hey, Regina.” Aaron’s voice cuts into her mind, she reaches over and pauses the video.

“What?”

“I figured you want to talk.”

She scoffs, “If I wanted to talk I’d talk with my friends.”

He sighs, “That one hurt but I’m gonna let it slide since I know you’re hurting.” She watches as he brings a blue bucket into view. “I wanted to do something nice for you.”

She raises a brow, “What.”

“I thought you could use someone to talk about your feelings with so I went to get you a therapy dog.”

She sits up, “Is there a dog in that bucket, Aaron!?”

“No! No! All of them looked like Janis so I got you therapy earthworms!” He opens the bucket and she peeks at it, pulling herself back when she gets a sight of what's in it.

“Aaron you idiot! I don’t want worms! Can you just leave me alone?”

He shakes his head, “You are not some isolated civilization, Regina!”

“I was before I met Janis and I can be again! Maybe you don’t know me very well, Aaron.”

He clicks his teeth, “Maybe you don’t know you very well, Aaron.”

“Please leave me alone.” He turns to leave, “But give me the worms.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

She sticks on fresh clothes, looking at Cady who sits on the bed, and taking the bowl of cereal she poured a few moments ago off the dresser she stuck it on. “My mum wants to know what we got up to. Should I tell her you sat on my face?”

Janis sighs, “Um. No no. Maybe don’t tell her anything?”

“Why not?”

“You know your mom… she’ll make a big deal out of it and not realize that this was like a.” She struggles to find the words. “That this was a casual mistake.”

Cady looks at her a moment, eyes void of emotion. She stands. “I have to go clean this mess.”

“What mess?”

The bowl is knocked out of her hands and she sighs, watching as Cady walks away.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

She shakes the coffee machine, ever happy that Ron finally got one but very mad that it sucks. She groans. 

“Janis, darling! What did you and Cady do yesterday?”

She turns to see Betsy, “Nothing! Nothing at all. Um, Tina! I’m gonna go catch up with Tina, alright?”

Ron shows up after 10 minutes of boring conversation with Tina where they talked about nothing but how Tina broke up with 8 out of 9 boyfriends and was now deciding between him and her husband. She nodded along mindlessly but was so thankful when they all finally sat in the circle.

“So, Janis. Betsy tells us that you’ve had quite the week Care to share?”

She shakes her head, “No.”

“We are at our most vulnerable in our times of crisis, so now more than ever I encourage you to really dig into what you're feeling right now.”

“I do not want to. I don’t want to do the work! I’m tired! I’m sick of trying to do the right thing all the time, aren’t you guys? I mean, when was the last time any of us felt true joy?”

Sonja smiles, “I felt joy when I had Bernadette Peters over for dinner the other day.”

She scoffs, “I want to be more like Sonja. She’s obviously never done drugs but she comes here 3 times a week because it makes her happy!”

“I’ve literally done every drug.”

She smiles softly, “Name a drug, Sonja.”

“Okay, well. There’s a small round one, then the one shaped like a box. Oh, can’t forget the one shaped like a cone.”

Next to her, Dwayne laughs, “Oh my, you’ve never done drugs.”

“Clearly, but she comes here because she’s lonely and weird.”

“Janis-”

“I feel the same as I did when I started these meetings! No, ya know what, I feel worse! I feel nothing, I tried having sex with someone last night and it made me feel lonelier.” She stands and grabs her bag, leaving.

She’s barely out the door before someone calls from behind her, “Hey! Wait!”

She turns and sees Dwayne, and keeps walking. “What do you want?”

“I like what you said in there, you wanna hang?”

She stops, “I hate everything you stand for… sure.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Regina’s POV**

She turns around when she hears loud yells, seeing her students Miles and Diana fighting, Diana pouring a backpack out the window. She quickly walks over, “Hey! Hey! What are you doing?”

Diana stops and Miles yells, “She poured my bag out the window!”

“Yeah, I did! What are you going to do about it?”

“What- Diana what the hell!?”

“He called me a fa-”

“Woah! Hey, don’t repeat it.” She turns to Miles, “Why the hell did you call her that?”

“So what if I did, who cares! She poured my bag out the window.”

She scoffs, crossing her arms. “Who cares? Well, maybe I care, Miles! I care what you called her. Ya know what, maybe I’m gay! Do you have a problem with that?”

The whole room was silent.”Wanna try calling me that word? Hm? Try it.”

He shook his head and looked down at his feet.

“No one move.” She turned out of her classroom and walked down the hall, into Karen’s office. 

“Karen, Miles Brown just called Diana a homophobic slur and it’s unacceptable!”

The woman looked away from her computer and to Regina, “Oh my. Send him in and I’ll deal with him.”

“Good! Good yeah! And while we’re on it, I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, I am going to start talking about LGBT issues.”

Karan tilts her head, “I’m confused. Are you not already?”

“What?”

“You’re supposed to be teaching them about LGBTQ+ writers and history, it’s an issue if you haven’t been.”

“Oh! Oh! No no no! I have been, but I'm saying that I just don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable. So, thanks, Karen.”

“Yeah, of course.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

**Janis’ POV**

Dwayne and she stepped into the club, Janis was shocked at how many people were there. “Yo, Damian, why are there so many people here?”

He looked at her and pulled up a video on his phone, handing it to her. “You went viral, Janis. They’re all here for you.”

She looks at the view count, “That’s a million people.”

“You’re headlining.”

Dwayne laughs, high fiving her. “Yeah! Headlining!”

Damian pushes her out there and introduces her. It’s all so fast, and she stumbles slightly when getting on there. Her head hurts but she ignores it, greeting the very enthused crowd. Maybe something good did come out of the breakup.

All her jokes land and everyone laughs, she exits the stage more excited than she’s ever been before, feeling tingly all over. Dwayne smiles and wraps her in a weird hug, she hugs him back slowly.

Shane comes into the room, “There’s an angry old woman here to see you.”

She lets go of Dwayne, “Do not let her in.”

“You!”

He sighs, “Sorry, too late.”

Betsy comes storming in, pointing and Janis and she moves away. “You did this! You broke Caddy’s heart!”

She turns into the bathroom but Betsy stays with her, “She’s spent her whole life being abandoned by addicts who she cared for and you did it to her again.”

Janis sighs, “Cady has feelings?”

Betsy pushes her lightly, “You used her, Janis!”

“Maybe you used me! You were filling your time till you got her back.”

She scoffs, “She says she never wants to see either of us ever again and now I have to rebuild my entire relationship with her!”

Janis takes a moment, “Where am I gonna stay?”

Betsy laughs wetly, “I don’t know! And I don’t care! Oh, and another thing: I’m not your sponsor anymore! Just an angry old woman who you used to know!” She leaves out the door, leaving Janis against the wall, head pounding.

Dwayne comes up behind her, “Betsy is trying to suck your joy away, and you can not let her.”

She looks around and spots Damian putting a small plastic bag into his backpack, she sighs. “Dwayne… one big night.” She goes and grabs his bag, going into the bathroom stall with Dwayne.

They grab out the small bag and Dwayne pulls out his key, sniffing it up. “Woo! Wow yeah.” He hands her a key and her hands do the familiar motion.

“To joy.”

Her head rings but she doesn’t even care at this point, because she’s finally feeling the best she has in a while.

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They went back to Dwayne's place and she isn’t exactly sure what happened just that they had their huge night, and now Dwayne is calling someone, supposedly his dealer. She sighs and rests into the couch, until the doorbell rings. “Dwayne, your guy is here!”

She gets up and walks to the door, opening it to… Tina.

“Tina?? Tina is your drug dealer?”

The older woman pushes her aside, “I need to see Dwayne.”

She goes down the stairs and Dwayne meets her at the bottom.

“Dude, I thought we were having a good time!”

“We aren’t having a good time, I’m in hell, Janis.” 

She groans, grabbing her bag and walking outside. It’s bright out, and it hurts her eyes as she walks. She ends up at the community center and tries to open the door, only for it to be locked. She cries softly and bangs on it, eventually, an older janitor opens it and she walks in.

No one’s in their room, she grabs a chair and sets it up in her normal spot, sitting down and just crying softly. She’s not sure why she’s even here. She feels like a failure, a relapsed failure. Worse than that she made Dwayne relapse.

The door opens and she wipes away the tears quickly, seeing Ron walk in. He raises his eyebrows in question but doesn’t say anything, simply setting up the other chairs. They wait in silence for a few minutes before Ron steps away to make some calls, coming back minutes later.

“So, uh, Betsy says she’ll be attending a new group from now on. Sonja says she’s moving to Canada to pursue her dream job of accounting, and I’m not sure where Tina and Dwayne are so it looks like it’s just us.”

She laughs softly, “I thought you don’t like me very much.”

He goes and sits next to her, “If I’m honest, I don't. I find you entitled and I think you endanger the sobriety of others, but I don’t have to like you to help you.”

She sighs, “I don’t like you either.”

“Great, moving on.”

She stands and moves over to the small table across the room. “Ah, I didn’t realize we had a sobriety birthday today. I’m sorry. I think you said it’s been 3 years?”

She stares down at the classes with the little fobs in it, tears burn her eyes before she picks up the white one, reading the  _ 1 Day  _ letting and fighting back a sob. She turns back around and holds it up for him to see. He sighs, “I see.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why.” She sits back down, staring at the fob.

“The question is not: ‘Why do we use?’ Because we know why, it’s pain relief, an escape. See, the question is: ‘Why the pain?’” He smiles lightly at her and they almost share a moment Janis thinks.

She sighs and sticks the fob in her pocket, “Here we go again.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

She runs her hand along the walls as she walks into the community centers bathroom and a stall. She pulls out her phone and calls her mother. 

“Janis! Oh, Janis! John come here Janis is on the phone.”

She closes her eyes tight, “Hey, mom.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Um, I think I wanna go home. Yeah, I wanna come home.” Her voice cracks and she finally allows the full tears to come from her face.

Her mother gasps lightly and immediately stands, walking to get her purse. “I’ll book you a flight right now. Do you have money to get to the airport?”

“I don’t think so.”

She nods, “Alright, we’ll send you money and get you on a flight. Just get down here and we’ll make you some soup.”

“Mom.”

“What is it?”

“Are you mad at me?”

Her mother sighs, “I was never mad at you.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“We’ll see you soon.”

She hangs up the phone and stands, leaving the bathroom and hesitating when she sees a blonde standing outside the community center. She pushes on though, trying to ignore the calls of her name.

“Janis.”

She turns finally, “Regina…”

“I was wondering if you wanted to come over later, around 3:00 for some coffee? I want to say something and show you something. You don’t have to it’s just-”

She sighs, “I love coffee.”

=+=+=+=+=+= 

They stand in the kitchen, Janis holding that cup of coffee for dear life. Neither of them had really said anything.

“I need to tell you-”

“I wanna talk-”

They laugh, “You can go first.”

Regina nods, “I thought I was doing the right thing, ending it. But I realize now that I was just doing the easy thing. I should’ve taken care of you, and if I could go back I would-”

“I’m going to Chicago.”

“What?”

“I’m going to Chicago because my parents booked me a flight so I’m gonna go.”

“What… No. But, how long?”

She shrugs, “A while.”

“I’m sorry, Janis.”

“No! No, it’s not you. It’s me. Alright, you were right, okay? I need to be okay on my own and right now I’m not.”

There’s a moment of silence and Regina sighs shakily. “But I’m in love with you.”

“But we both know this isn’t healthy.”

Regina opens her mouth but Janis presses a soft kiss to her lips, stopping her. They stay like that for a bit but Janis breaks it before it can go anywhere else. “I relapsed, Regina. I relapsed hard and I’m not gonna stay and ask you to put up with it.”

“Isn’t that what love is? You put in the hard work and you get better.”

Janis interlocks their hands, pressing their foreheads together. “Maybe we can try again another time. But addicts fixate, and I can not become addicted to you… I care about you too much to do that.”

Regina sobs and Janis pulls her into a hug, sighing softly as they sway. After a few minutes, Janis pulls away. “We have to be strong alright?”

She nods and wipes away her own tears with her sleeve, “I love you, Janis.”

“I love you too. Goodbye, Regina.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, maybe I'll make a little where are they know chapter in the future. But for now I hope you enjoyed A Drug Called Love.
> 
> Fin.


End file.
